moments

(Mara Joy)

(Evangeline Linda)

She was the girl who at thirteen, I thought nothing in the world could separate me from. We were joined at the hip in that strange codependent-adolescent-girl sort of way. We went through every phase of growing up together, summer camp, beach trips, first jobs, first boyfriends, heartbreak , failures. God knew what he was doing when he brought us together because we felt stronger and bolder somehow in each other's presence. We did the same ministries and cheered each other on in every endeavor either of us tried. We both got married young and our lives looked like they were traveling a joint path just like I always thought they would... until everything changed and she told me they were moving back to Philadelphia while we had settled in Tennessee. It was so hard to say good-bye to this deep sisterhood I had known since we were eight years old.
It's about ten years later and I miss her deeply in my day to day life.
Just in time to end our summer Vanessa,her husband and her six children, the youngest of whom I had never met, came and stayed with us. It had been almost two years since I'd seen her. I cuddled her sweet kids and we played and got together with more of our college friends and their children reaching a grand total of sixteen children running around our houses at any given time. We cooked huge meals and swam and stole every opportunity to catch up in the way you can't on the phone or the computer. We are extremely different personality-wise which is part of why we enjoy each other so much and can make each-other laugh till we cry. One night it struck me though...the bitter-sweetness of it. All the kids had finally surrendered their weary selves to sleep and all of us moms stayed up for hours, laying around, drinking piña coladas and sharing our souls into the night. I loved listening the hearts of these amazing women I am privileged enough to have as life long friends. The night was filled with honesty, encouragement, inspiration and good thoughts to ponder. It's amazing how much ground a bunch of women can cover when times to just be are few. For several days I didn't want to go to bed, enjoying being able to have my far away friend in my living room, savoring holding her two month old in my lap. The time was deep and rich and I was so thankful to be able to reconnect. But it was hard to get a glimpse of what I am missing. I am so thankful to have a bond that covers the miles between us.
Here are some of the faces from our time together.


(Jonas)


(us)

( Nora giving her new baby a kiss)

(sisters and Jael)




(What a treasure being with little Eva, who at a glance, looks just like my childhood best friend)

First day of school

Even when a change is good it doesn't mean it's easy. Especially for a girl like me who takes a little while to warm up to change. I was in no was prepared for how hard today would be for me. I think perhaps it was because he is my first, maybe because I home-schooled him so I was with him all the time. I think it is mostly that I know what I'll be missing. It's the letting go...it's painful. I thought about all these wonderful days I have had the blessing of being home with him, holding moments I never want to forget like this day and moments like this and this. I am thankful for the opportunity for a good education for him and dedicated teachers and I have confidence that he will learn and grow beautifully. It is just hard turning the page to the chapter of his life where the majority of his days are spent away from me. Before today I was with him every single day.
For everything gained there are other things lost and it is all part of the process so I am learning. I am also learning that all those times people have said to me, "Enjoy them when they're little, they grow up fast." What they meant to say was, "one day you wake up and realize that things are moving at warp-speed and there's not a thing you can do about it, even when your heart needs slow-motion."
It is strange how vividly I can remember the panic in the room when things weren't progressing normally during my labor with him, even twenty four hours after my water broke. How in that moment I didn't care if someone cut my stomach open with a sword just so I could here that first wild cry from my son. Then in another blink I remember standing in his bedroom door looking in at his perfectly crossed little feet and bottom in the air,(that's how he used to sleep). I was so sad because he seemed so far all the way down the hall in his crib after sleeping in our room for so many months. I remember almost losing him when he was two and how God taught me through that. I remember all of his questions and holding his little dimpled hand and his soft toddler self now undeniably bony and lanky. Somehow when you're in the moment you just don't realize how quickly it will all change.

This morning he was excited and eager bursting with energy. I knew he would be. He has become so independent even just this summer. It was a small grace to me, it would have been so much harder if he was sad or nervous. I was a kind of a wreck last night but I prayed I would be happy and strong for him this morning. I've been wondering if something was wrong with me to be so torn up. Millions of moms send their kids off to school everyday. Oh well, I suppose another thing I'm learning is that I'm kind of crazy sensitive. Anyway, I held it together, hugged him and he smiled and waved with a "see ya, mom" attitude and he was off. I could feel the ache in my chest and barely made it to the car where the flood-gates opened.

I know that this is where God has Him and that he is holding him when I am not.
Things I will miss so much...
~ waking up to little knees and elbows jabbing me, my early morning snuggler
~ how he always makes the librarian at story-time search around for books on snakes or Star Wars or Van Gogh
~ reading book after book while he illustrates everything I read
~ nature treasure hunts and talks and picnics at the Nature Center in the Fall
~ how he makes me photograph all of his latest Lego creations
~ being his primary teacher
~ watching the girls follow him around the house all day
~ how he makes friends with strangers everywhere we go
~ being able to hug him whenever I want in a day

The things I am learning...
~ life is strange and winding and precious and incredibly fast
~ a mother's love is ferocious and deep and aching
~ our kids are not ours to begin with, a brilliant Creator holds them.
~ I never was in control, just entrusted
~ it is the greatest honor to take part in loving and shaping my children for his kingdom, even though mothering is a perpetual practice of letting go
~ someone might have to drug me when my kids leave for college

the lake

"Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul." - Muir




This is, I think,
what holiness is:
the natural world,
where every moment is full
of the passion to keep moving.
Inside every mind
there's a hermit's cave
full of light,
full of snow,
full of concentration.
I've knelt there,
and so have you,
hanging on
to what you love,
to what is lovely.
The lake's
shining sheets
don't make a ripple now,
and the stars
are going off to their blue sleep,
but the words are in place --
and the fish leaps, and leaps again
from the black plush of the poem,
that breathless space.

~ Mary Oliver ~













Summer is winding down with only a little over a week until school starts. We got back this weekend from a little get away to the woods. I went with a bunch of moms and a bigger bunch of kids. We were very outnumbered. It was everything summer should be. A multitude of sun- kissed happy kids swam and boated and fished in the lake all day. The cabins were filled with kitschy art work with a large screened porch for meals and board games. There was lantern -light card games, smores around campfires, nature walks and rope-swinging.
Some of the highlights were...
~the talent show the last night where Juden shyly announced that he made his song up and played his harmonica and the little girls did ballet
~late night conversations with a dear friend over stringing bead necklaces and exhausted laughter
~ watching Juden being so big and independent, fearless on the rope swing, paddle boating by himself and anchoring boats
~ holding a tired Naya while laying on blankets and star-gazing when she asked, "can we reach up and touch them?"
~ being with so many friends
~ the noise and the chaos and the few stolen moments of stillness on the dock at twilight
~ the smell of fire and pine trees and the songs of crickets at night
~ being held in the embrace of God's boundless artistry

The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands.

history maker

I was looking at these pictures of Naya tonight marveling at how precious and complex my little girl is. They reminded me of these I took of Ella in the same dress last year.
Naya has been on my heart a lot lately. My little history maker has been making life a little crazy lately. Three is a really hard age as I recall with Juden.
I've been doing a lot of disciplining and a lot of praying with and for my girl. Sometimes I wonder, 'where is all this anger and hyper-emotionalism coming from, over the tiniest thing?' I always try to make sure we are okay after I have to discipline her, that she knows I love her even if I don't tolerate her behavior. But really there is just no formula to this parenting thing. Believe me, I've read lots of good books. It's all about humility, prayer, grace, forgiveness, love and more love. My, it can be wearisome too though. I pray that God will give me patience to shape my fiery little daughter, to be wise and firm but always full of grace. That I might study just the way her little heart works with all its needs.
It dawned on me, just how much I am like my little daughter with Jesus. I'm hard headed, fretful, angry, and untrusting at times...so dis-believing that he loves me and knows what's best. But how blessed it is when I rest on His bosom with faith like a child to embrace His love and care for me.

The last picture is of me at three and it reminded me a little of Naya now.

today

things I loved about today...
~rain and thunder and more rain bringing a break from a relentless heat wave
~ receiving at least five drawings by my little artist full of rainbows and butterflies and bunnies
~ being with a friend that feels like a sister
~ Monday is library day, books and more books, I love the way books smell.
I love how excited the kids get to have a whole new stack to snuggle up with. This book of poems was a favorite of mine when I was little. The pictures are absolutely lovely. Aunt Amy gave it to Ella for her birthday and she loves it too.
~ and tea...of course