Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Even when a change is good it doesn't mean it's easy. Especially for a girl like me who takes a little while to warm up to change. I was in no was prepared for how hard today would be for me. I think perhaps it was because he is my first, maybe because I home-schooled him so I was with him all the time. I think it is mostly that I know what I'll be missing. It's the letting go...it's painful. I thought about all these wonderful days I have had the blessing of being home with him, holding moments I never want to forget like this day and moments like this and this. I am thankful for the opportunity for a good education for him and dedicated teachers and I have confidence that he will learn and grow beautifully. It is just hard turning the page to the chapter of his life where the majority of his days are spent away from me. Before today I was with him every single day.
For everything gained there are other things lost and it is all part of the process so I am learning. I am also learning that all those times people have said to me, "Enjoy them when they're little, they grow up fast." What they meant to say was, "one day you wake up and realize that things are moving at warp-speed and there's not a thing you can do about it, even when your heart needs slow-motion."
It is strange how vividly I can remember the panic in the room when things weren't progressing normally during my labor with him, even twenty four hours after my water broke. How in that moment I didn't care if someone cut my stomach open with a sword just so I could here that first wild cry from my son. Then in another blink I remember standing in his bedroom door looking in at his perfectly crossed little feet and bottom in the air,(that's how he used to sleep). I was so sad because he seemed so far all the way down the hall in his crib after sleeping in our room for so many months. I remember almost losing him when he was two and how God taught me through that. I remember all of his questions and holding his little dimpled hand and his soft toddler self now undeniably bony and lanky. Somehow when you're in the moment you just don't realize how quickly it will all change.
This morning he was excited and eager bursting with energy. I knew he would be. He has become so independent even just this summer. It was a small grace to me, it would have been so much harder if he was sad or nervous. I was a kind of a wreck last night but I prayed I would be happy and strong for him this morning. I've been wondering if something was wrong with me to be so torn up. Millions of moms send their kids off to school everyday. Oh well, I suppose another thing I'm learning is that I'm kind of crazy sensitive. Anyway, I held it together, hugged him and he smiled and waved with a "see ya, mom" attitude and he was off. I could feel the ache in my chest and barely made it to the car where the flood-gates opened.
I know that this is where God has Him and that he is holding him when I am not.
Things I will miss so much...
~ waking up to little knees and elbows jabbing me, my early morning snuggler
~ how he always makes the librarian at story-time search around for books on snakes or Star Wars or Van Gogh
~ reading book after book while he illustrates everything I read
~ nature treasure hunts and talks and picnics at the Nature Center in the Fall
~ how he makes me photograph all of his latest Lego creations
~ being his primary teacher
~ watching the girls follow him around the house all day
~ how he makes friends with strangers everywhere we go
~ being able to hug him whenever I want in a day
The things I am learning...
~ life is strange and winding and precious and incredibly fast
~ a mother's love is ferocious and deep and aching
~ our kids are not ours to begin with, a brilliant Creator holds them.
~ I never was in control, just entrusted
~ it is the greatest honor to take part in loving and shaping my children for his kingdom, even though mothering is a perpetual practice of letting go
~ someone might have to drug me when my kids leave for college