"Bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love;
here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above."
My goodness it's November already. The three hours of sleep I got last night is catching up to me. So many things I've yet to write about but time tumbles forward and I'm lagging a little these days. Always little people needing me, things left half done or not done...trying to keep this train running. Life at the moment is so full of good things and hard things but mostly good. The temperature dropped recently and every tree and mountain side is splashed in color. It's breathtaking. It never ever gets old. It's my favorite season when the sky line is draped in flame colors and golden. It's the season I fell in love with Josh. A season that swells with life and color and then fades into brown and fills the sky with tree silhouette lace. The smell is wet leaves and fire and nostalgia. The soundtrack shifts to Rosie Thomas, Album Leaf, Harvest Moon, Yann Tierson and The Cinematic Orchestra. The Fall is always a bittersweet time; a time of remembering some people I've loved and lost.
Two weeks ago today, someone in our mama community died suddenly of a heart attack. One minute she was folding laundry, home-schooling her girls, cuddling her three year old and twenty four hours later she was gone from this earth. She left behind a husband and five daughters. The oldest is sixteen and the youngest is three. She was a doula. She loved babies and helping women bring them into the world safely and peacefully. Most importantly she was a Jesus lover. She was a friend of my husband's and we had several mutual friends. It shook me and our community. Even though she's home with Jesus, my heart broke for five little girls without a mother and for a missing that doesn't leave.
It's funny how everything we're rushing around doing seems so very important to us at the time. I wonder why we so often feel so untouchable and in control. It was a harsh reminder that in a blink, this life on earth is done but that an eternal kingdom awaits. How glorious. Our family prayed for hers and I felt myself want to hold my kids a little longer. It reminded me to tell people what they mean to me.
I think there's a theme to what God is teaching me lately. I am trying to learn how to lose my life and find it in Christ. "This" is not all there is. It is not about my agenda, my desires, my stuff, my comfort or my ease. I don't need more "me" time or more material stuff. I don't need to seize the day, I need to let go of it. I don't need to try to make my plans work, I need to surrender the day to Him who holds me. I want Jesus to have his way in my heart. I want His love to overflow to whoever he puts in front of me. I need to rest in the joy of finding ways to serve those around me. My Spirit is willing but my flesh is weak. I look back on my day and wish I'd held my tongue when I didn't, and accomplished more. I think about my children, these paradoxical creatures, one moment achingly innocent and compassionate and in the next moment chaotic, selfish and infuriating. But when I look at them I see myself...and all of us really. We are all vessels of madness, rage, love, purity and beauty. I'm being reminded as I watch this season unfold, that he is making all things new, even me.
Tonight I'll step over toys and books and kiss my kids goodnight. I'll watch them sleep and not worry about all that's left undone. There's far more to be thankful for that makes the worries pale in comparison. Even when we're short on order, patience, time and energy there is always more than enough love to go around.
My cup runneth over...