Sunday, May 10, 2009

being a mama

I never knew I could fall instantly in love with my babies.
I never knew the feeling of a soft little mouth rooting around my neck and cheek, looking for milk.
I never knew how it would break my heart to see his spirit sink when people laughed at him.
I never realized something that innocent looking could make me lose my temper and say things I wish I hadn't.
I didn't know that becoming a mom would make me love my own mom more deeply because I would discover the sacrifice and commitment it takes to truly disciple my children's hearts.
I didn't know that stories would be more vivid, the glories of the ocean and the feel of sand and the seasons changing and a million other things would be magnified when sharing them for the first time.
I didn't know the joy of seeing things through their eyes.
I didn't know that grocery shopping, and tidying and any productivity while keeping all the kids happy and fed and rested, would be feats for which to be proud of accomplishing in a given day.
I never knew they would teach me so much about being uninhibited, loving people enthusiastically and having childlike trust.
I never knew that worry would take on an epic level.
I never knew that a tired little bundle of weeds would make me more happy than a room filled with roses or that their family portraits would be more dear to me than an original Picasso.

I never realized that when I became a mother, it would begin a universal bond. I didn't know that something in me would change or that I'd turn whenever I'd hear a child cry.
I didn't know that every child that is in distress would signal in me this deeply-rooted instinct to protect and nurture.
I didn't know that the refugee mama with babe on her back, and the crack addict struggling to care for her baby... that suddenly we are all the same.
I didn't know that God could take my feeble attempts and put His grace on them.
I didn't know that being a mother would be the most fulfilling, draining, hard, beautiful, meaningful, mundane and fascinating thing I'd done.
I never realized how being a mother would paint such a picture of the way God loves me.
I never thought that while some things in me faded away with motherhood, I'd be awakened to a more true version of myself.
I never realized how completely unequipped I was for the job, or how much I rely on God's promise to give me what I need and walk with me every single day.