Tuesday, February 10, 2009

some days

Today was one of those days that I kind of wanted to linger in bed, curl up in a comfy chair with some chai and a good book. One of those days you kind of want to re-do and avoid some of the mistakes.
I awoke to discover that when I tried to speak I had the voice of an eighty year old smoker, meaning that what came out was about four octaves below normal and some words decided not to come out at all. Great,I guess I'll cancel the plans I already had a babysitter lined up for tonight. We all had breakfast and then I decided to get some errands out of the way. The day seemed to have it in for me from the start. Five minutes down the road I looked down underneath the diaper bag to see the emergency brake was on. I panicked a little wondering if I just destroyed the transmission and wondering how long it had been on. We arrived at the store where all of the kids seemed to be in rare form and a shopping trip which would usually have gone perfectly fine, was going down hill fast. Juden was lying on the bottom of the cart with limbs outstretched pretending to be a jet or something which is fine with me except for the girls behavior which was making the whole thing a spectacle. Ella couldn't decide whether she wanted to be in or out of the cart and was just generally whiny. Naya was yanking off her shoes and socks and suddenly developing a very runny nose. Meanwhile I was debating whether to just leave and waste a trip or try to finish as quickly as possible. I decided fairly quickly as Naya began to throw a little fit. Why is it that it's always in those moments that someone shoots you a look like you just pinched your child or a look that says, "Why can't you handle your children? " Naya screamed all the way out the store but I figured she'd stop in the car. It did not stop, and she was asking for things I didn't have and forgetting to breath between sobs. If you have ever experienced a child screaming for an extended period of time, you know it kind of makes you want to bang your head against a wall. What's worse I could not console her at all because I could barely speak so she couldn't hear me. I was thinking she must be getting sick or have a sore ear because this is not typical of Naya. Then I heard Juden talking in my ear saying that he wishes Naya would stop crying so that he can concentrate on the music. Wait a minute talking in my ear? What? So now I'm driving down the highway with a check engine light on, a screaming baby and a five year old who apparently couldn't take it anymore so he unbuckled himself.
I arrived home to find that some neighborhood dogs had found our trash can and spread it along the side of the house. There were a few other things which I will keep to myself, besides now I'm sounding just as whiny as my kids. As trivial as these little things are they left me with frayed nerves, and my words to my family weren't as kind as they should have been. My list of things to do was nagging at me and I was feeling ineffective in all of my roles. Things settled down and I talked to God and tried to lay my feelings of defeat down. Being a mama requires so much patience and selflessness that I often don't have enough of. I am so thankful that my Father sees and takes care me,forgiving me over and over, gently growing me and breathing words of gentleness and kindness into me when I feel I have nothing left to give.
Now the day is ending, lullabies begun and the baby girl sleeps. I'm not wanting to bang my head against a wall anymore. I'm listening to this amazing song and writing, a better choice, I think. I cleared my head on a little walk, lifting eyes to the comfort of the mild skies. Taking comfort in these verses, Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. ~Matthew 11:28-30~ I love how he invites us to come, just like he lifted the child into his lap that the disciples had rebuked. He cares even about my trite circumstances and disappointments in myself. You know how quickly things pile up when kids are around. The piles of laundry and toys that are always needing to find a place are also symbols of all the people that fill this home and make my life so rich. We eat and play and laugh and argue and forgive and create and there are signs of it everywhere. It's as it should be. As a mom you have triumphs and heart aches. It's both that shape us and make us realize how blessed we are to have these little ones who need us so much. And it's okay to not be on top of things all the time, and maybe even better to sit at Jesus' feet and be still, to listen, to love.

*Okay, I got a little sidetracked but I'm back the next day to add some pictures.*

People were bringing little children
to Jesus to have him touch them,
but the disciples rebuked them.
When Jesus saw this,
he was indignant.
He said to them,
"Let the little children come to me,
and do not hinder them,
for the kingdom of God
belongs to such as these.
I tell you the truth,
anyone who will not receive
the kingdom of God
like a little child
will never enter it."
And he took the children
in his arms, put his hands on them
and blessed them.

Mark 10:13-16