Thursday, October 30, 2008
Once, I kept a secret all to myself for a whole day. I found myself smiling as I went about my tasks and the sky seemed a little more blue than usual. I was in school and working and I didn't see it coming, but some how I think I had been waiting for you all my life. I liked having this secret of the little life inside me but at the same time I was bursting at the seams. I strolled with Josh in the park that evening and walked hand in hand like so many times before. But I was nervous and giddy and his eyes looked at me curiously like he did when he was falling in love, cause this spirit of joy was just oozing from me. Then we sat in the bright summer sun, my head on his shoulder as I scratched a stick across the sand doodling like a fidgety child. First I drew a little stick figure Josh, with his crazy long curls and then a stick figure me, with long straight hair... and then a little bundle in my arms...you. He watched in amusement and then looked at me with puzzled shock. I nodded and the tears were lost in our embrace. The life our our first-born had begun in the soft quiet of my womb, we could not have been happier.
We were typical first time parents. There's something about the first, all the mystery and newness that makes ya a little crazy with excitement. I bought you some itty-bitty cool kicks, I just couldn't resist, and we devoured pregnancy and birthing books, and knew just what piece of fruit you were the size of from week to week. He played guitar for you and I sang to you and talked to you. He rested his head on my swelling belly. We talked and planned and prayed on the hope and promise of you.
Then one day they couldn't find your heart-beat and I gazed at the pictures of you, perfectly formed little head and hands and feet but lying there still inside me. I was heart broken. But you didn't leave this world without leaving your print though brief and small as it was. Those months you were inside me, you brought us such joy and the loss of you has left its scar. Just like the little Egyptian box where I keep your picture and letters there is a space in my heart which forever belongs to you. I am a mother of four though I only know three. October makes me miss you and sometimes I say your name and play your song. No matter how many children I have, you are the first one whose presence took away my breath and who I long to hold someday.
On a cool Autumn mountain-side we said good-bye to you and these were some of the words your daddy spoke.
"I'll never forget the day and the way your mom told me about you. She drew us all in the sand; at this I felt wonder, fear, and anticipation. We have spent these months praying for you and wondering who you would be. It truly breaks our hearts to know that we will never know, at least in this world. While there are many questions, your mom and I know that God is holding you now... We love you with all that is in us, and in the light of God, we look forward to that day when all our answerless questions are realized... the day we see you most beautiful son."
Praise to the One who is victorious even over death, to the one who holds you until we can.