Wednesday, October 12, 2011

His wings

This day last week I was sitting in the out-patient surgery wing of the children's hospital. It is a hard place to be...waiting, praying, worrying. Jude has had digestive problems for the last year. We had been to natural doctors, general doctors and a specialist, without resolution. After a frightening episode last week it was time for a deeper look. There is nothing that will shake a parent's heart more than fearing for the health of their child. We were on our knees crying out to God for healing for Juden. Our girls laid their hands on him and prayed over him. I felt weak, needy and anxious. I watched him sleep and prayed the way a fearful mother was a crying out really, of soul and body. God reminded me that even with the immensity of my love for Jude, He loves Him infinitely more than I ever could. I am in awe that this is how my Father loves me. How can it be?
Juden missed some school, giving me some extra time to be with him. We read and played with Harper and took walks enjoying the early Fall air. It's amazing to learn from my boy about the faith of a child. I write this for two reasons. One; I want to remember Juden's heart and two; because when Jesus visits,I want to tell about it. I can not keep silent. I read Psalms to him while the morning sun drenched the wooden floors where we sat. We watched the day wake up together and greeted the day talking to Jesus. At one point when I was reading I looked up and saw a tear on his cheek. I asked what was wrong and he said he could feel that God was with him. How our God loves to meet with children. I felt a sense of peace wash over me at his words. Sometimes it's hard to trust; hard to come before God and ask boldly for what we want. I've prayed in earnest before and the answer has been no. There is a comfort in knowing that I am clay in His perfect strong hands even in the midst of painful things.
At one doctor's appointment I looked down and noticed that Juden had on a strand of leather with beads he had made at vacation Bible school earlier that year. The colored beads are to help symbolize the story of the gospel. He said he wore it to remind him that Jesus was his protector. It was also the only thing he wanted to take when we went to the hospital. It made my heart swell that He knows who His stronghold is. Later I would watch him wake up and sleepily tell the nurse what each bead meant to him; one of those moments I will forever treasure.

Although I had a deep sense of peace, seeing him lie there, in the sterile environment of the hospital looking slight and vulnerable was hard. It brought up fear and anxiety at what we would be facing. I am so very thankful that the doctor found exactly what I had prayed for. Not only did God relieve what was causing his problems but there was no sign of anything harmful in his body. We are thrilled with good news but also thankful that though the week was filled with sleeplessness, fear and worry it was also filled with moments of brokenness which birthed precious times of worship and prayer as a family when His presence covered us like wings.