Wednesday, October 14, 2009

so long summer

some words

It's been a while since there were more words than pictures around here. The truth is that although I did hit a season of extreme busyness I also have just been a little down. Losing some sleep, stretched a little bit thin, feeling unfocused. So wanting to pull myself up by the boot straps and shake it off but so unable to do so. Feeling like if I admit that I'm feeling weak and discouraged that would mean that I'm not grateful. And I really have everything in the world to be grateful for. Then I kind of downward spiral into beating myself up for being down and saying to myself," Come on get over yourself, look at all you have to be thankful for." The fact is that no matter how good I have it, occasionally I am weighed down, distracted, broken,longing for something that has not yet been realized. For a stretch of days I've had a beautiful and melancholy soundtrack. I can't seem to clear the clutter in my head long enough to hear the silence. It nags at me like a relentless pack of yapping dogs. I look around at things I don't get done,stacks of clothes,books and papers in my house reminding me of my cluttered head and heart. There is that stack of books I am waiting to finish, the image I had in my head that I so wanted to paint, a cd that I just can't seem to finish. The frustration that comes when my head spins with things I need to do and I realize that I can't. I give ear to old voices that I thought I was done with.
I will always notice the way the clouds shift quickly over the pale evening sun, the leaves gentle change from green to gold and the sound of the rain but I will probably forget to pay the electric bill and probably forget half the ingredients for tonight's dinner. I don't like it but it's just where I've been lately, feeling like the well is a little dry. In my days filled with cooking, cleaning, driving, disciplining, homeschooling and the like, I am trying to find tiny windows to write. I know that when I am weak and burdened I need to be on my knees before God. I also need time for things that I love. Josh laughs at me because he says my camera is a permanent fixture around my neck and our computer might just explode if I don't organize my pictures. I take pictures because it helps me pay attention, because we are made in His image and I like to look for beauty in everything. Another reason is because I am a girl who doesn't like swift change. Taking pictures allows me to draw out moments I want to remember. It's a way I grasp for permanence in a world where so much is temporary. I write for many of the same reasons. I enjoy the community of hearing other peoples stories like this and this of people whose lives are so different and yet so similar to mine. I'm inspired and stretched and comforted by words that often echo my own heart. I write to process things and remember, to hang on a little longer and to help my kids remember. I write because it is the only story I have to tell. All of that to say that these things are good for my soul and I just haven't been able to find much time to do them lately. And then when I do sit down to write I feel like I've had a clogged artery and I don't even know where to begin. Example: the above rambling. Needless to say, I'm here, a little worse for the wear, a little tired and ragged from the good job I tend to do beating myself up every so often for all the ways I don't measure up.
This morning as I was helping Juden memorize his verse I felt like God was speaking these words straight to my heart. I think this verse says everything I need to know.
Now if I could just remind myself to listen to this voice and the truth and power that is there.