goodbye one

To my darling who today turned two: We gave you an Indian name that means gentleness and we laughed when we saw you with all that black hair and I called you my little papoose. Your brother and sister loved you from the start and still do, but sometimes Ella squeezes you too tight. I love your dark chocolate eyes and the dimple in your chin and how you brush away the wispy hair that falls over your eye and your toothy smile. I love all the sentences you're saying and the puzzled slant of your eyes when you say,"Why Dada?" when he tells you something. You still come to me when you get hurt and say, "kit it" cause you want a kiss. Several times a day you say,"I yuv you mama," and it makes everything better. You are not shy,and when you are mad, you are not quiet about it. You love people and you have a sense of humor all your own. Your comfort habit in twirling a strand of your hair. You do it so much that you form little matted dreads on the back of your head. You tromp around the house with your little backpack on and rain boots, always somewhere to go. You love stories and making the hand motions for butterflies that Nana showed you. You are so proud of the painting you did above the mantle and you are sure to point at it and say,"I paint that." I love the ritual we have when I lay you down of songs and prayers and blowing kisses and how you giggle because you know just how it goes. You don't like your carrier or even the stroller anymore, you just won't have it. You have to walk with Juden and Ella of course. I wonder who you will become someday my precious daughter but for now you are my baby. So if you are sleepy or sad and want to just lay in my arms, I'll take every second. Happy Birthday my love.

some days

Today was one of those days that I kind of wanted to linger in bed, curl up in a comfy chair with some chai and a good book. One of those days you kind of want to re-do and avoid some of the mistakes.
I awoke to discover that when I tried to speak I had the voice of an eighty year old smoker, meaning that what came out was about four octaves below normal and some words decided not to come out at all. Great,I guess I'll cancel the plans I already had a babysitter lined up for tonight. We all had breakfast and then I decided to get some errands out of the way. The day seemed to have it in for me from the start. Five minutes down the road I looked down underneath the diaper bag to see the emergency brake was on. I panicked a little wondering if I just destroyed the transmission and wondering how long it had been on. We arrived at the store where all of the kids seemed to be in rare form and a shopping trip which would usually have gone perfectly fine, was going down hill fast. Juden was lying on the bottom of the cart with limbs outstretched pretending to be a jet or something which is fine with me except for the girls behavior which was making the whole thing a spectacle. Ella couldn't decide whether she wanted to be in or out of the cart and was just generally whiny. Naya was yanking off her shoes and socks and suddenly developing a very runny nose. Meanwhile I was debating whether to just leave and waste a trip or try to finish as quickly as possible. I decided fairly quickly as Naya began to throw a little fit. Why is it that it's always in those moments that someone shoots you a look like you just pinched your child or a look that says, "Why can't you handle your children? " Naya screamed all the way out the store but I figured she'd stop in the car. It did not stop, and she was asking for things I didn't have and forgetting to breath between sobs. If you have ever experienced a child screaming for an extended period of time, you know it kind of makes you want to bang your head against a wall. What's worse I could not console her at all because I could barely speak so she couldn't hear me. I was thinking she must be getting sick or have a sore ear because this is not typical of Naya. Then I heard Juden talking in my ear saying that he wishes Naya would stop crying so that he can concentrate on the music. Wait a minute talking in my ear? What? So now I'm driving down the highway with a check engine light on, a screaming baby and a five year old who apparently couldn't take it anymore so he unbuckled himself.
I arrived home to find that some neighborhood dogs had found our trash can and spread it along the side of the house. There were a few other things which I will keep to myself, besides now I'm sounding just as whiny as my kids. As trivial as these little things are they left me with frayed nerves, and my words to my family weren't as kind as they should have been. My list of things to do was nagging at me and I was feeling ineffective in all of my roles. Things settled down and I talked to God and tried to lay my feelings of defeat down. Being a mama requires so much patience and selflessness that I often don't have enough of. I am so thankful that my Father sees and takes care me,forgiving me over and over, gently growing me and breathing words of gentleness and kindness into me when I feel I have nothing left to give.
Now the day is ending, lullabies begun and the baby girl sleeps. I'm not wanting to bang my head against a wall anymore. I'm listening to this amazing song and writing, a better choice, I think. I cleared my head on a little walk, lifting eyes to the comfort of the mild skies. Taking comfort in these verses, Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. ~Matthew 11:28-30~ I love how he invites us to come, just like he lifted the child into his lap that the disciples had rebuked. He cares even about my trite circumstances and disappointments in myself. You know how quickly things pile up when kids are around. The piles of laundry and toys that are always needing to find a place are also symbols of all the people that fill this home and make my life so rich. We eat and play and laugh and argue and forgive and create and there are signs of it everywhere. It's as it should be. As a mom you have triumphs and heart aches. It's both that shape us and make us realize how blessed we are to have these little ones who need us so much. And it's okay to not be on top of things all the time, and maybe even better to sit at Jesus' feet and be still, to listen, to love.

*Okay, I got a little sidetracked but I'm back the next day to add some pictures.*



People were bringing little children
to Jesus to have him touch them,
but the disciples rebuked them.
When Jesus saw this,
he was indignant.
He said to them,
"Let the little children come to me,
and do not hinder them,
for the kingdom of God
belongs to such as these.
I tell you the truth,
anyone who will not receive
the kingdom of God
like a little child
will never enter it."
And he took the children
in his arms, put his hands on them
and blessed them.

Mark 10:13-16

soap making

Recently a friend of mine who makes soap invited us to come and watch and join in the process. I always wonder about where things come from. I just like to know the journey, the process, the origin of things I use and consume everyday. I think I've always been like this. I can remember with absurd clarity the parts of Sesame Street and Mr Rogers that showed the factories and the process of making crayons or the process of making trombones and saxophones. I was fascinated by how things were created.
Laura, who has a flare for chemistry and precision (and who shares my shower fetish), walked us through the process. Soap initially was something people made themselves using animal fats but now coconut, palm,avocado,olive and other plant-derived oils are used which are better for our skin. It is not very complicated except that measurements and temperatures need to be exact. It is basically a process of combining fats or oils with Lye(Sodium Hydroxide) that causes a reaction called saponification which produces soap.
I must admit, I mostly watched and snapped pretty sights,and helped in the long stirring process. After all the stirring, the hot butter-colored soap is poured into the mold where it hardens and is cut. It was a nice way to spend the morning, chatting away to the scent of essential oils,which was so relaxing probably because of the sub-conscious reminder of a heavenly massage I was given after giving birth.
Despite all of our modern conveniences there is something fulfilling about sharing time with people while creating and producing something, even little things we take for granted. It's also nice to know exactly what you are lathering into your skin.




Voila! Lavender, peppermint soap all ready to harden. The smell is just scrumptious.

F I V E

The boy turned five today and my heart is full.
I realized that for the past five years I've known his mood every single day, and watched him grow and change. First the physical connection of carrying him, giving birth to him and feeding him, then the gradual independence of his first steps. Thousands of times I've corrected him, read to him,laughed with him, kissed him. I know the changes will be rapid in this continual process of letting go in little ways. But for now I am so thankful that these five years have been so intertwined, and that I am able to spend my days at home loving him. I am the recipient of his unending questions, and of his generous affection. His excitement about things brings a smile everyday. I just turned around from where I am typing to see Juden creeping through the living room dressed up like a cross between a pirate and a crazy woodsman with orange sun-glasses announcing in a gruff and commanding tone, "Quiet Ella, we're going to fight the bears in the forest of Africa."
I feel so blessed to be the chest he falls on, in a worn-out heap at the end of his days, pink faced and smelling like grass and sunshine.
Happy birthday baby.

31 things

So despite feeling like it's kind of narcissistic and since I've been in the house for way too long with children under the weather and because my good friend tagged me a while back, I will write some random things about myself. If there is any topic I'm an expert on I suppose it would be me, besides I like reading them about other people so here goes.

1 I hail from NJ but I hate being cold.
2 I have a British looking nose that I use to be shy about but now I'm fine with it because I look like my dad, however I listened to my husband who told me not to pierce it several years ago when I was about to.
3 My middle name is Dorothy which I don't particularly like except that I was named for a woman who has been through more than any mother should ever have to bare and she is still faithful to God, so I am proud to have her name.
4 I love a lot of things, photography, art, singing, poetry, creative writing but don't feel particularly very good at any of them, and that's okay because I still want to do them.
5 I was always extremely shy and some people thought I was a snob which bothered me. I think my very extroverted husband has helped me come out my shell.
6 I have always been terrified of going to the doctors and I still break into a cold sweat but I no longer try to kick them when getting a needle.
7 Thai food is my favorite and hot tea or chai are my drinks of choice.
8 I believe Jesus is our only hope to cure the mess and pain that brokenness and sin leaves us in.
9 I have a few mantra's that are daily prayers of mine, "Lord help me to love what you love and hate what you hate." and I repeat these verses to myself alot, Lamentations 3:22-23 Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
10 Fall is my favorite season though I would not like the absence of any of them and I've noticed I like to wear colors that go with the season, yellow and white in summer, orange and brown during Autumn, black and white in the winter etc.
11 I'd take a mountain trail over the mall any day. I don't like to shop unless it is a thrift store or book store. I do however like pretty things and dressing up occasionally. Anthropologie, Blue Skies and shops like them do make me drool a bit, but I'm happy to look and admire.
12 I used to be really into pottery and sculpting.
13 I used to have trouble trusting guys and was much more interested in going on the mission field than dating.
14 The first time I ever sang in front of people I was so scared my sister sang with me so that I could do it.
15 I like to have a tidy living space but kids make it harder and I wish organization came more naturally; don't look in my closets or junk drawers.
16 I have a good memory and often see my life like the clips from old 8 millimeter movies, complete with soundtrack.
17 I have been blessed with an amazing tribe of woman surrounding me whom I love dearly and who help me be a better person.
18 I cry when I'm sad, I cry when I'm happy and sometimes when something is beautiful.
19 There are few things more luxurious than someone washing or brushing my hair, it melts me.
20 I have always wanted to adopt children and hope God will use me in some capacity in the realm of adoption/ child advocacy.
21 I met Josh at Covenant College my freshmen year and the first time I talked to him was sitting around a fire at a Halloween party.
22 He was my first boyfriend and the first guy I ever kissed.
23 He asked me to marry him in a train tunnel.
24 He makes me laugh everyday, made me breakfast in bed last week and last night I watched him strumming his guitar from across the room and felt like every ounce of me would burst with love for him. He makes my life better everyday. With that said, marriage is really hard work and I fail at it all the time.
25 I love road trips and daydream about going to India, Italy, Ireland, England,and Prague, to name a few. I hate confrontation, racism, cancer, and legalism.
26 Josh teases me about taking long showers but that is because when he isn't home it's a two minute affair with someone begging to get in with me or unraveling the entire roll of toilet paper before I even get the shampoo out.
27 Sometimes I have bad dreams and wake up mad or disturbed even though it didn't really happen.
28 I sometimes struggle to quiet voices that tell me I can't, I'm not lovable, I'm not good enough, I'm not of worth.
29 I am a little dramatic, an idealist, a complete romantic, and usually a very content person in the sense that God is more than enough.
30 I have slept many places including a bedroom in Dorset overlooking a meadow of sheep, the floor of a Church in Lisbon Portugal, a castle on the coast in Jamaica, a homeless mission in NY city, a VW bus near the beach in Savannah, an RV behind an adult bookstore in Denver, on a mountain top near a waterfall in Georgia.
31 I had a boy and two little girls in three years and I love being their mama.

Now it's your turn.

Since then..

I am breaking my blogging hiatus, since I realized I started to miss it like an old friend. It really is good for me to write and I see it as a way to remember the goings on of our family since I'm not good at scrap-booking. I really have no reason for my lack of posting lately other than I just haven't been at the computer much at all. Here are some things that have happened since my last post;
1 We had a somewhat steady flow of large quantities of people and children in our house from Aunts, Uncles, cousins, friends, grandparents, musicians, and occasionally my husbands spandex-clad biking crew. Not usually all at the same time, but occasionally, (and that's how we like it, not the men in spandex, the house full of people.)
2 We had a reflective, blessed, chaotic,noisy, yummy,fun, beautiful holiday season.
3 I had a minor surgery on my pinky toe of all things( and let me tell you that little guy can cause a lot of pain.)
4 I was randomly interviewed in the park by Allied Arts. While they filmed I tried to answer questions like "What is art?" while my children yanked on my coat and whined to go on the carousel.
5 I had a date night with my husband and saw Seven Pounds and I cried the whole way home.
6 I went to the Mountain Opry with some friends. It's a quirky little place up on signal Mountain. It's a bit of a cross-cultural experience where mostly old people have a ridiculously good time playing blue grass and joking in southern accents that I can barely understand. I don't listen to much blue-grass but watching them play can't help but make you smile.
7 Visited the Terminal Brew house which used to be an old hotel for the Chattanooga Choo-Choo and then a brothel and is now quite a nice three story pub.
8 Enjoyed some lovely times with women that are dear to me.
9 Answered a series of strange obsessive questions from Juden like, "When is Barack Obama coming over?", "Where is Barack Obama's house? Cause I made him this picture.", "What does Barack Obama eat for dinner?"
10 Thought and prayed and discussed homeschooling Juden for Kindergarten.
11 Tried not to let the barren trees and freezing cold seep into my bones. Recently felt like I had a little case of winter time blues. But the blue skies today are a welcome sight, now if only I wasn't such a wuss about the cold.

12 Dreamed about the beach and what to do for our tenth wedding anniversary.
13 Took some bundled up walks with the kids (yes that is a woman's fur on Josh, what can I say, he couldn't find his coat.)

14 Took Naya to the dentist after she chipped her two front teeth on the bath tub.
14 Looked forward to a brand new year and thinking through all the things I want to change and try to do better by God's grace.
15 Marveled at how my kids are sprouting too rapidly.

Merry Christmas

With festivities in full swing I just dropped in to share a few things I've been loving lately.

hints of Christmas everywhere,

This cozy room to sit in after a cold rainy day when the house is still for a few short moments after bedtime,

The adorable way she says Merry Christmas,and her insistence on this hat that is way too big for her,

His intentness when I read him The Jesus Storybook Bible even when it makes me cry,


The hands that carved this bird,

and the hands that fixed its broken wing,

and my constant little songbird.
May you be surrounded with warmth, peace and love this season. To you and yours, Merry Christmas!

O come, Thou Day-Spring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death's dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O Come...

I find myself a few short days from Christmas with a heart full of thoughts. I've said before I'm just a little crazy about Christmas. I love helping to create some of the magic and meaning of the advent season with my little brood. I think there are hints of Christmas in every room in the house; paper snowflakes in the windows and the smell of pine and baking fills the house.

I'm not sure when it happens but somewhere along the line the innocence we have as children is lost. The forever-long wait until the 25th, filled with all manner of festive wonders is traded in for being the one responsible for making it all happen. So days quickly pass with shopping, parties, baking, cleaning, visiting, and just being the mama and making sure everyone is happy. Despite the busyness, I love every minute of it. This year though, something has felt different.

This is a portion of a book called Watch for the Light which I like to remember this time of year.
"What if on Christmas Eve people came and sat in dim pews, and someone stood up and said, "Something happened when you where out at the malls, while we were baking cookies and fretting about if we got our brother-in-law the right gift: Christ was born. God is here"? We wouldn't need the glorious choruses and the harp and the bell choir and the organ. We wouldn't need the tree strung with lights. We wouldn't need to deny that painful dissonance between the promise and hope of Christmas and a world wracked with sin and evil. All of that would seem gaudy and shallow in comparison to the sanctity of that still sanctuary. And we, hushed and awed by something greater and wiser and kinder than we, would kneel of one accord in the stillness. A peace would settle over the planet like a velvet coverlet drawn over a sleeping child. The world would recollect itself and discover itself held in the womb of The Mother of God. We would be filled with the fullness of God, even as we filled the emptiness of the savior's heart with ours."
---Loretta Ross-Gotta
I heard a sermon last week that captured so much of how I have felt this season. This season of advent really is about rejoicing in our manger-born King who became like us so He could rescue us and about our longing for Him to come again. My pastor read this story from a recent issue of the New York Times about a cholera epidemic in Zimbabwe that killed the youngest five children of one family a few weeks back. This month, in this season of celebration, my heart has at times been heavy. We have had some grey days as of late. Some so grey when I woke I wondered if it was still night because the darkness dragged into the day, and I sipped my tea watching the cloud-shrouded dripping mountain instead of the pink glow of morning sun lighting it up. I don't suppose I'd stopped long enough to sort through how I'd been feeling. On one such grey day last week I found myself on a lonely stretch of highway peering through water streaming down the windshield and down my cheeks. There was a weight on my shoulders of loved ones hurting, broken relationships, the struggle of our flesh. I thought of those precious children whose little bodies' fought for life and quickly lost under deplorable health conditions. For the woman whose husband abandoned her this year, the man diagnosed with cancer, the family that lost their house and is broke. What does this baby born so long ago mean for them? And I wept for those children who suffered and for the ones they left behind, wept for thousands of others who are suffering all over the world. I was not despairing but longing, expectant for the day His sword will yield the final death blow to suffering and sin.
Certainly there is no easy tidy bit of rhetoric to dissolve these gut-wrenching issues. But with that said, I cling to the hope that is Christmas. That the King and creator of all that wrapped himself in human flesh was so pained by the sadness and suffering of the people he loved, that he made a plan to rescue us. It didn't end in a manger or on a cross, our Prince of Peace will obliterate and destroy the sting of death and disease. This is what I know, so I wait... and whisper through tears, O come, O come Emmanuel.

Today I held my friends brand new baby girl. Her name is Selah Grace. Selah was taken from the Psalms and is believed to mean to pause and reflect, what a lovely reminder. It is in the light of such darkness that I was awed by the beauty of her tiny face, the wrinkled skin on her hands, her smell. The contrast of such suffering and such blessing. The strength in Josh's arms around me, the sweet spirits of my children, these blessings that I am overwhelmed to be the recipient of. As Christmas draws near my soul rejoices in the love that our God has lavished on us and in the promise of hope and healing.

happy december

I kind of can't believe that we are in December already. But it seemed fitting that today where I stood in my kitchen sipping my first morning tea, watching the sun light up the mountain, that the first snow of the season was gracing the tippy top of Lookout. Here in the south we don't see too much snow so I knew we just couldn't resist. I bundled up the kids until they could barely walk and up we went to see what we could see. We left behind the soggy grey valley and finally reached the fresh beauty of new fallen snow. I watched in delight as my furry little creatures touched and tasted exploring like they had just stepped out of the wardrobe into Narnia... a good way to start December I think.