Wednesday, November 01, 2006

a beautiful thing

At the end of last week my brother Keith stopped by and told me me Sara Groves was doing a concert up at Covenant that night. He knew I would like it and even volunteered to babysit. My kids have the best uncles ever. I have a couple of her cd's and though her music initially took me a little getting used to, I love her voice and like that her music is uplifting and helps me to worship in the tasks of everyday life. I don't get out much so let me just say this was an unexpected treat. There was no bells and whistles, her music is pretty pure and simple. She talked a lot and told stories. She sang in a strong sweet voice about love, her kids and God; her life put to song with an eloquent grace. It was delightful. Music, like reading so often binds together our humaness and makes us know we're not alone. The heart of a mom came through her music so strongly that I easily identified with the common bond. This song called Beautiful Child particularly rang true of my own feelings about my babies and brought me to tears, though they seem to come more and more easily with each passing year.

Here are the words:

"beautiful child right from the moment you were born
you overtook my heart, my world, my beautiful child

tender and sweet both in your crying and in your sleep
you radiate a sense of hope my beautiful child

and i have seen the most amazing sights
in my travels on the earth
seven sacred pools on starry nights
and other things of matchless worth

but next to you all of the beauty seems so plain
you would think i'd never seen a beautiful thing

and i have seen the most amazing sights
in my travels on the earth
moonlight sleeping on the canyon heights
and other things of matchless worth

but next to you all of the beauty seems so plain
you would think i'd never seen a beautiful thing..."

I guess I have always known I had the heart of a mom. It really is an amazing thing, the love of a mom for her child, so unlike any other love. When you think you couldn't possilbly love anymore, new wells spring up. Those of you who know Juden know he has no shortage of cantankerous moments. But whether he's fighting me or hugging me, snotty-nosed and miserable or precious as he can be, I love him just the same. So much a picture of how God loves us like his child even when we are thankless, distant and fighting him. Even on days Juden makes me want to pull my hair out, if I'm away from him I miss him, even when he sleeps. I love how he says,"I miss you," when you're right there cause he thinks it's the same thing as "I love you." I love how he says,"hold you" when he wants to be held, and how he tells Josh every time he leaves the house,"be careful on bike dada, you'll get boo boo's." I love how he kisses our new one through my belly and talkes to Ella in a super high baby voice.
And Ella, well she is my little angel girl. She's sweet natured and content, affectionate and oh so laidback. I love how she presses her cheek against mine at night when I sing to her.
As for the new one that we don't yet know, she is already so loved. With hands on my belly I pray for her each night while I feel her wiggle around. We spent a week so very scared for this little one after learning she has something called a choroid plexus cyst, which is a cyst in the brain. They are sometimes harmless and sometimes associated with a devasting chromosonal disorder called Trisomy 18, in which babies are often stillborn or die shortly after birth. So many questions whirling around my head. Could I go through nine months of anticipation to be met with such tragic loss? What could possibly be God's purpose in that? Could my faith withstand that? The mere fact that I had these thoughts made me feel guilty. What was my faith if I could think of an instance where it might not hold up. It was a week filled with prayer and contemplation. At one point Josh prayed a prayer ackowledging that God was giving us the exact and perfect little girl for us no matter what was wrong with her or how long he gave her to us. Through these simple words I felt peace and knew that he was right. It's kind of a long story but to summarize, the high risk specialist put us very much at ease and found no secondary signs of the disorder. Most likely our baby girl will be healthy and fine, but regardless we have come to understand that our children never really belong to us, every moment , every breath a gift of God's grace. So to all you mama's that have ever carried a child, given birth to a child, or adopted a child be reminded of what an awesome gift it is. You will forever be a mother. There is never any guarantee, even in those long, thankless, demanding, mundane days, stop at least once to really see your child. Every glory I have ever seen truly does pale in comparison, to the faces of my sweet babies. You would think I'd never seen a beautiful thing.

1 comment:

heather said...

I never realized you had such a gift for writing until you started this blog. I love the way you express yourself and the depth of your thoughts, and so often they echo my own heart. You are absolutely right about the heart of a mother. I think I came to a much fuller understanding of Christ's love for me once I had children. A love so beautiful, pure and unconditional - there is no comparison.
love you.