prayer

"In worship, God imparts himself to us."
C.S.Lewis
photo by codswallop58 on flickr
photo by ...jade at flickr

photo by Arashi-San.

Sometimes there are thoughts that start to gestate in your head and your heart.If they linger long enough, I start to wonder if God has put them there and what He is trying to teach me. In addition to the concept of community,the act of prayer has been taking up space in my mind this week. Prayer means different things to different people groups. To some it is wishing, to some it's a ritual that can not be broken, to some it is a life-line. Some people inscribe their prayers on brightly colored cloth and wait for the wind to carry them off. Some people write them on little papers and tuck them between stones in the Wailing Wall of Jerusalem because it is said to be the last remnant of the Holy temple. Some lay prostrate and others just talk to God like he is their papa or an old friend. For me prayer is communion between me and Jesus. It is both talking to my loving Father and bowing humbly before my Savior King. It is worship, it is surrender, it is opening my heart like David to be washed in His grace and forgiveness, and it is a pouring out, like Mary anointing His feet, of all the love and devotion I can muster. It is an act of faith and humility like she dried His feet with her hair. It is more about the attitude of my heart than anything spoken by my lips.It is the Spirit interceding, it is a crying out in words and it is silent, listening.

I want to remember the ways God speaks to me and so for that reason I write this. Last week I was the parent helper at my kids wednesday morning pre-K at New City Fellowship. There is a time that the kids sit in a circle on little mats and sing songs and then the teacher takes prayer requests. They ask God for everything from wanting someone sick to get better, to asking God to help their brother and sister stop fighting, to asking God to make their mosquito bite stop itching. It is hard not to laugh at some of the things they think of. After everyone had shared their requests they started to pray. Suddenly every one of them bowed down, some of them prostate on the floor. A heap of little bodies all folded over their legs, faces down and heads together and all touching. As I stood there staring at this flower of children praying, I was struck with the picture of unity. God used this physical scene to speak to my heart about what I could learn from them, and how they did not hesitate to bow down together and revel in this communal act. I am not implying that these little ones understood fully the connection of the act of bowing down and the submission and adoration which it is meant to show. I was touched though, by their uninhibited enjoyment of togetherness. Unlike some other faiths that have rigorous habits of communal prayer and bowing down it seems that many of us who follow Jesus forget the power of prayer. We may speak to God throughout the day or when we need something. But how many of us disrupt our schedules and are disciplined about carving out time to talk and listen to God, and to do it with others? God used these little ones to remind me of the reverence and love I need to approach Him with, to make more time in my days to get on my knees and commune with Him both alone and with others.
this photo by Marc_p98 on flickrphoto by davidchoiii at flickr

"If the heart wanders or is distracted, bring it back to the point quite gently and replace it tenderly in its Master's presence. And even if you did nothing during the whole of your hour but bring your heart back and place it again in our Lord's presence, though it went away every time you brought it back, your hour will be very well employed."
~ St.Francis de Sales

sister love

It's a rainy Friday after a restless night. Ella's fever has broken but Naya's is still going strong. It's looking like we're not going anywhere so the morning called for a block city that covered the whole floor and lots of old school Sesame Street.My girls get so clingy when they are sick. They just want to be held for as long as I sit still. Ella acts like such a little mommy, and I smile watching her say, "It's okay sweetie, I'll make you feel bettuw, lemme check you wiv my medsin." as she tucks her doll blanket around Naya's neck. Sisters have such a special bond and Naya is comforted by Ella's presence by her side.
Their tender love for each other is a picture of how much we need people. Being a mom, or a wife, a friend, or a daughter is never easy all of the time. Our days pass in a journey of learning and failing, being disappointed, and humbled and slowly becoming. And it's messy and nobody has it all figured out. But we were never meant to go at it alone. I've been thinking about the importance of community alot this week. Maybe it was in the middle of the night on Tuesday when the girls in my small group left and I paused in the after-glow of the inspiration and encouragement and strength that I gleaned from listening to women, some younger and some older share their thoughts and their wisdom. These girls that meet in my home, some of whom I've met with for years, to pray,listen, meditate, read and hopefully grow together. They are not my biological sisters but I feel a sense of sisterhood with them. They are fellow travelers, like me with struggles and weaknesses but more importantly we are all in pursuit of the same thing, Jesus, and how to live the way he wanted us to and designed us to. We are on a pilgrimage to learn from the life and work of Jesus and to in some way reflect His glory. There is strength in numbers and I am so thankful for these women and their beautiful honesty.
I am also so thankful for my own two big sisters with whom I have so many memories tucked away, much like the ones I now see unfolding between my girls. It never ceases to amaze me how we never run out of things to talk about and how we get into laughing fits in ways nobody else seems to get and that probably make us look like a bunch of crazy people. I just feel so thankful for my sweet sisters and my girls group and for you, the blogging community and everyone else that offers me the gift of their friendship.




Oh and one more thing a lovely song for a rainy day,

and here are the words:

All day, since your haircut in the morning,
you have looked like a painting, even more than usual.
We are in the wind, planting the maples. We meet an older man who seems to know
I miss my dad.
And he smiles through the limbs.
We talk easily with him
until the rain begins.
This is the brotherhood of man.
Waiting at the airport on my suitcase,
a girl traveling from Spain became my sudden friend,
though I did not learn her name.
And when the subway dimmed
a stranger lit my way.
This is the brotherhood of man.
I never can say what I mean,
but you will understand,
coming through clouds on the way.

Spring and yellow and such

I had a birthday a little bit ago and for several days surrounding it we had some freakishly warm weather. The warm breath of Spring had the kids running around the yard barefoot and made me want to pull all the sun dresses and yellow from the wardrobes. It was just that warm right after being icy cold. That would have been enough to make me happy but on top of that Ella pushed open my door as I stood there in a towel with my hair wrapped up and said," Oh mommy, you are as cute as a bug." She also embarked on her first shop lifting venture, all in my name. We returned from a birthday breakfast at Cracker Barrel where Ella proudly presented from thieving little hands one tiny white plastic dish scrubber. Though I wasn't proud of my little robber, I could not help but smile at the innocence and sweet intentions behind the act. Oh, the hard lessons of life. Juden also told Josh that he wanted to give me a present, and when Josh said he could make something, he said he could buy me something with all of his birthday dollars. It's good to be loved.
Josh took me on a date which was perfect, art gallery, yummy Italian food, used book store and then to see Slumdog Millionaire. I don't want to spoil it, but I will say it was lovely. It moved me with compassion although I couldn't watch every scene as I don't do well with violence toward women or children. I loved the colors and the music and it prompted the subsequent purchase of this yellow scarf. It makes me feel like I have a little piece of sunshine even on the coldest day.


The cold has since returned and I love the way the veins of the trees stretch out through the wintry skies and the fireplace in my living room which lures me to sink a little longer reading The Pearl. But really that little taste of early Spring and the first blooms have left me with an appetite for less clothes and longer days. It seems like we've just passed around so many colds and after having laryngitis which left me whispering for days, I'm just getting a little impatient with winter. It turns out my voice really comes in handy especially with a house full of little people who must be responded to immediately, and directed and entertained and corrected all day long.I also discovered the phenomenon that when I could do nothing but whisper people instinctively whisper back. Lots of quiet conversations and strange looks...interesting. Even now my voice is so deep and raspy by the evening. And can I just say that I miss singing! I'm done with the 900 # jokes. I just want to sing again. Okay that was a tangent, what I wanted to say is that if you are one of my dear friends that has been afflicted by one cold or virus after another and you are just weary or lonely or discouraged, I feel your pain. This to shall pass. I remind myself that God will carry me through daily trials. How he lavishes us with love and good gifts. Seek those moments of joy and stillness in your day and drink them in. When the sun spills in your windows let it fill your soul. Whether you find some peace and comfort at the end of a pen, stringing words together, in the strokes of a paintbrush, the click of knitting needles, with hands sunk into the earth to garden, or loving the people around you, whatever is your task, do it fully. I want to sing, and create, and learn new crafts and grow things and build things and serve people in need. Now if only I wasn't so tired and free time, what is that? Oh yeah, I have three little kids and sometimes I wish I had five lives to do all the things I feel passionate about. But there will be time for that later. For this season, my task is clear and set before me, to nurture and teach and love the little ones I've been entrusted with. Nothing could be more important than to be a vessel for His love and grace. I find such deep joy in their trusting eyes and open arms. For now I'll enjoy the remnants of winter and savor the hints of new life and green peeking through here and there, while my loves explore the transtion with curious eyes and dimpled fingers. You'll have to excuse my sleepy rambling but my wine glass is empty and my pillow calls.

goodbye one

To my darling who today turned two: We gave you an Indian name that means gentleness and we laughed when we saw you with all that black hair and I called you my little papoose. Your brother and sister loved you from the start and still do, but sometimes Ella squeezes you too tight. I love your dark chocolate eyes and the dimple in your chin and how you brush away the wispy hair that falls over your eye and your toothy smile. I love all the sentences you're saying and the puzzled slant of your eyes when you say,"Why Dada?" when he tells you something. You still come to me when you get hurt and say, "kit it" cause you want a kiss. Several times a day you say,"I yuv you mama," and it makes everything better. You are not shy,and when you are mad, you are not quiet about it. You love people and you have a sense of humor all your own. Your comfort habit in twirling a strand of your hair. You do it so much that you form little matted dreads on the back of your head. You tromp around the house with your little backpack on and rain boots, always somewhere to go. You love stories and making the hand motions for butterflies that Nana showed you. You are so proud of the painting you did above the mantle and you are sure to point at it and say,"I paint that." I love the ritual we have when I lay you down of songs and prayers and blowing kisses and how you giggle because you know just how it goes. You don't like your carrier or even the stroller anymore, you just won't have it. You have to walk with Juden and Ella of course. I wonder who you will become someday my precious daughter but for now you are my baby. So if you are sleepy or sad and want to just lay in my arms, I'll take every second. Happy Birthday my love.

some days

Today was one of those days that I kind of wanted to linger in bed, curl up in a comfy chair with some chai and a good book. One of those days you kind of want to re-do and avoid some of the mistakes.
I awoke to discover that when I tried to speak I had the voice of an eighty year old smoker, meaning that what came out was about four octaves below normal and some words decided not to come out at all. Great,I guess I'll cancel the plans I already had a babysitter lined up for tonight. We all had breakfast and then I decided to get some errands out of the way. The day seemed to have it in for me from the start. Five minutes down the road I looked down underneath the diaper bag to see the emergency brake was on. I panicked a little wondering if I just destroyed the transmission and wondering how long it had been on. We arrived at the store where all of the kids seemed to be in rare form and a shopping trip which would usually have gone perfectly fine, was going down hill fast. Juden was lying on the bottom of the cart with limbs outstretched pretending to be a jet or something which is fine with me except for the girls behavior which was making the whole thing a spectacle. Ella couldn't decide whether she wanted to be in or out of the cart and was just generally whiny. Naya was yanking off her shoes and socks and suddenly developing a very runny nose. Meanwhile I was debating whether to just leave and waste a trip or try to finish as quickly as possible. I decided fairly quickly as Naya began to throw a little fit. Why is it that it's always in those moments that someone shoots you a look like you just pinched your child or a look that says, "Why can't you handle your children? " Naya screamed all the way out the store but I figured she'd stop in the car. It did not stop, and she was asking for things I didn't have and forgetting to breath between sobs. If you have ever experienced a child screaming for an extended period of time, you know it kind of makes you want to bang your head against a wall. What's worse I could not console her at all because I could barely speak so she couldn't hear me. I was thinking she must be getting sick or have a sore ear because this is not typical of Naya. Then I heard Juden talking in my ear saying that he wishes Naya would stop crying so that he can concentrate on the music. Wait a minute talking in my ear? What? So now I'm driving down the highway with a check engine light on, a screaming baby and a five year old who apparently couldn't take it anymore so he unbuckled himself.
I arrived home to find that some neighborhood dogs had found our trash can and spread it along the side of the house. There were a few other things which I will keep to myself, besides now I'm sounding just as whiny as my kids. As trivial as these little things are they left me with frayed nerves, and my words to my family weren't as kind as they should have been. My list of things to do was nagging at me and I was feeling ineffective in all of my roles. Things settled down and I talked to God and tried to lay my feelings of defeat down. Being a mama requires so much patience and selflessness that I often don't have enough of. I am so thankful that my Father sees and takes care me,forgiving me over and over, gently growing me and breathing words of gentleness and kindness into me when I feel I have nothing left to give.
Now the day is ending, lullabies begun and the baby girl sleeps. I'm not wanting to bang my head against a wall anymore. I'm listening to this amazing song and writing, a better choice, I think. I cleared my head on a little walk, lifting eyes to the comfort of the mild skies. Taking comfort in these verses, Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. ~Matthew 11:28-30~ I love how he invites us to come, just like he lifted the child into his lap that the disciples had rebuked. He cares even about my trite circumstances and disappointments in myself. You know how quickly things pile up when kids are around. The piles of laundry and toys that are always needing to find a place are also symbols of all the people that fill this home and make my life so rich. We eat and play and laugh and argue and forgive and create and there are signs of it everywhere. It's as it should be. As a mom you have triumphs and heart aches. It's both that shape us and make us realize how blessed we are to have these little ones who need us so much. And it's okay to not be on top of things all the time, and maybe even better to sit at Jesus' feet and be still, to listen, to love.

*Okay, I got a little sidetracked but I'm back the next day to add some pictures.*



People were bringing little children
to Jesus to have him touch them,
but the disciples rebuked them.
When Jesus saw this,
he was indignant.
He said to them,
"Let the little children come to me,
and do not hinder them,
for the kingdom of God
belongs to such as these.
I tell you the truth,
anyone who will not receive
the kingdom of God
like a little child
will never enter it."
And he took the children
in his arms, put his hands on them
and blessed them.

Mark 10:13-16

soap making

Recently a friend of mine who makes soap invited us to come and watch and join in the process. I always wonder about where things come from. I just like to know the journey, the process, the origin of things I use and consume everyday. I think I've always been like this. I can remember with absurd clarity the parts of Sesame Street and Mr Rogers that showed the factories and the process of making crayons or the process of making trombones and saxophones. I was fascinated by how things were created.
Laura, who has a flare for chemistry and precision (and who shares my shower fetish), walked us through the process. Soap initially was something people made themselves using animal fats but now coconut, palm,avocado,olive and other plant-derived oils are used which are better for our skin. It is not very complicated except that measurements and temperatures need to be exact. It is basically a process of combining fats or oils with Lye(Sodium Hydroxide) that causes a reaction called saponification which produces soap.
I must admit, I mostly watched and snapped pretty sights,and helped in the long stirring process. After all the stirring, the hot butter-colored soap is poured into the mold where it hardens and is cut. It was a nice way to spend the morning, chatting away to the scent of essential oils,which was so relaxing probably because of the sub-conscious reminder of a heavenly massage I was given after giving birth.
Despite all of our modern conveniences there is something fulfilling about sharing time with people while creating and producing something, even little things we take for granted. It's also nice to know exactly what you are lathering into your skin.




Voila! Lavender, peppermint soap all ready to harden. The smell is just scrumptious.

F I V E

The boy turned five today and my heart is full.
I realized that for the past five years I've known his mood every single day, and watched him grow and change. First the physical connection of carrying him, giving birth to him and feeding him, then the gradual independence of his first steps. Thousands of times I've corrected him, read to him,laughed with him, kissed him. I know the changes will be rapid in this continual process of letting go in little ways. But for now I am so thankful that these five years have been so intertwined, and that I am able to spend my days at home loving him. I am the recipient of his unending questions, and of his generous affection. His excitement about things brings a smile everyday. I just turned around from where I am typing to see Juden creeping through the living room dressed up like a cross between a pirate and a crazy woodsman with orange sun-glasses announcing in a gruff and commanding tone, "Quiet Ella, we're going to fight the bears in the forest of Africa."
I feel so blessed to be the chest he falls on, in a worn-out heap at the end of his days, pink faced and smelling like grass and sunshine.
Happy birthday baby.

31 things

So despite feeling like it's kind of narcissistic and since I've been in the house for way too long with children under the weather and because my good friend tagged me a while back, I will write some random things about myself. If there is any topic I'm an expert on I suppose it would be me, besides I like reading them about other people so here goes.

1 I hail from NJ but I hate being cold.
2 I have a British looking nose that I use to be shy about but now I'm fine with it because I look like my dad, however I listened to my husband who told me not to pierce it several years ago when I was about to.
3 My middle name is Dorothy which I don't particularly like except that I was named for a woman who has been through more than any mother should ever have to bare and she is still faithful to God, so I am proud to have her name.
4 I love a lot of things, photography, art, singing, poetry, creative writing but don't feel particularly very good at any of them, and that's okay because I still want to do them.
5 I was always extremely shy and some people thought I was a snob which bothered me. I think my very extroverted husband has helped me come out my shell.
6 I have always been terrified of going to the doctors and I still break into a cold sweat but I no longer try to kick them when getting a needle.
7 Thai food is my favorite and hot tea or chai are my drinks of choice.
8 I believe Jesus is our only hope to cure the mess and pain that brokenness and sin leaves us in.
9 I have a few mantra's that are daily prayers of mine, "Lord help me to love what you love and hate what you hate." and I repeat these verses to myself alot, Lamentations 3:22-23 Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
10 Fall is my favorite season though I would not like the absence of any of them and I've noticed I like to wear colors that go with the season, yellow and white in summer, orange and brown during Autumn, black and white in the winter etc.
11 I'd take a mountain trail over the mall any day. I don't like to shop unless it is a thrift store or book store. I do however like pretty things and dressing up occasionally. Anthropologie, Blue Skies and shops like them do make me drool a bit, but I'm happy to look and admire.
12 I used to be really into pottery and sculpting.
13 I used to have trouble trusting guys and was much more interested in going on the mission field than dating.
14 The first time I ever sang in front of people I was so scared my sister sang with me so that I could do it.
15 I like to have a tidy living space but kids make it harder and I wish organization came more naturally; don't look in my closets or junk drawers.
16 I have a good memory and often see my life like the clips from old 8 millimeter movies, complete with soundtrack.
17 I have been blessed with an amazing tribe of woman surrounding me whom I love dearly and who help me be a better person.
18 I cry when I'm sad, I cry when I'm happy and sometimes when something is beautiful.
19 There are few things more luxurious than someone washing or brushing my hair, it melts me.
20 I have always wanted to adopt children and hope God will use me in some capacity in the realm of adoption/ child advocacy.
21 I met Josh at Covenant College my freshmen year and the first time I talked to him was sitting around a fire at a Halloween party.
22 He was my first boyfriend and the first guy I ever kissed.
23 He asked me to marry him in a train tunnel.
24 He makes me laugh everyday, made me breakfast in bed last week and last night I watched him strumming his guitar from across the room and felt like every ounce of me would burst with love for him. He makes my life better everyday. With that said, marriage is really hard work and I fail at it all the time.
25 I love road trips and daydream about going to India, Italy, Ireland, England,and Prague, to name a few. I hate confrontation, racism, cancer, and legalism.
26 Josh teases me about taking long showers but that is because when he isn't home it's a two minute affair with someone begging to get in with me or unraveling the entire roll of toilet paper before I even get the shampoo out.
27 Sometimes I have bad dreams and wake up mad or disturbed even though it didn't really happen.
28 I sometimes struggle to quiet voices that tell me I can't, I'm not lovable, I'm not good enough, I'm not of worth.
29 I am a little dramatic, an idealist, a complete romantic, and usually a very content person in the sense that God is more than enough.
30 I have slept many places including a bedroom in Dorset overlooking a meadow of sheep, the floor of a Church in Lisbon Portugal, a castle on the coast in Jamaica, a homeless mission in NY city, a VW bus near the beach in Savannah, an RV behind an adult bookstore in Denver, on a mountain top near a waterfall in Georgia.
31 I had a boy and two little girls in three years and I love being their mama.

Now it's your turn.

Since then..

I am breaking my blogging hiatus, since I realized I started to miss it like an old friend. It really is good for me to write and I see it as a way to remember the goings on of our family since I'm not good at scrap-booking. I really have no reason for my lack of posting lately other than I just haven't been at the computer much at all. Here are some things that have happened since my last post;
1 We had a somewhat steady flow of large quantities of people and children in our house from Aunts, Uncles, cousins, friends, grandparents, musicians, and occasionally my husbands spandex-clad biking crew. Not usually all at the same time, but occasionally, (and that's how we like it, not the men in spandex, the house full of people.)
2 We had a reflective, blessed, chaotic,noisy, yummy,fun, beautiful holiday season.
3 I had a minor surgery on my pinky toe of all things( and let me tell you that little guy can cause a lot of pain.)
4 I was randomly interviewed in the park by Allied Arts. While they filmed I tried to answer questions like "What is art?" while my children yanked on my coat and whined to go on the carousel.
5 I had a date night with my husband and saw Seven Pounds and I cried the whole way home.
6 I went to the Mountain Opry with some friends. It's a quirky little place up on signal Mountain. It's a bit of a cross-cultural experience where mostly old people have a ridiculously good time playing blue grass and joking in southern accents that I can barely understand. I don't listen to much blue-grass but watching them play can't help but make you smile.
7 Visited the Terminal Brew house which used to be an old hotel for the Chattanooga Choo-Choo and then a brothel and is now quite a nice three story pub.
8 Enjoyed some lovely times with women that are dear to me.
9 Answered a series of strange obsessive questions from Juden like, "When is Barack Obama coming over?", "Where is Barack Obama's house? Cause I made him this picture.", "What does Barack Obama eat for dinner?"
10 Thought and prayed and discussed homeschooling Juden for Kindergarten.
11 Tried not to let the barren trees and freezing cold seep into my bones. Recently felt like I had a little case of winter time blues. But the blue skies today are a welcome sight, now if only I wasn't such a wuss about the cold.

12 Dreamed about the beach and what to do for our tenth wedding anniversary.
13 Took some bundled up walks with the kids (yes that is a woman's fur on Josh, what can I say, he couldn't find his coat.)

14 Took Naya to the dentist after she chipped her two front teeth on the bath tub.
14 Looked forward to a brand new year and thinking through all the things I want to change and try to do better by God's grace.
15 Marveled at how my kids are sprouting too rapidly.