already

Tomorrow Ella Bella goes to school for the first time.
Tonight we had ice cream to celebrate.
We tucked them in then I sat on the porch with Josh and watched the day fade.
I put my head on his shoulder and had a drink and let a few tears slip.

more beach pictures

* beach rewind *

Our beach vacation a few weeks ago truly was everything I'd hoped it would be. Josh's parents graciously took us to a lovely house in Seacrest Florida. I finally arrived there Sunday night fifteen hours after I left my mom's house in NJ. There were gorgeous beach homes, palm trees and bike cruisers everywhere. The next morning I couldn't wait to see the ocean. We wandered down straight out of bed. The beautiful blue and the warm ocean air on my face to greet the day. For some reason I always remember the first time I take my babies to the ocean. I loved dipping Harper's perfect pink toes into the great vastness. The kids, especially Juden were so excited to show him. That boy LOVES his brother. The whole time was an amazing blessing...such a break from everything ordinary and routine. It reminded me of a part of Shauna Niequist's book. She said of her families vacations,"It's all those things, and something else, the something that our family becomes when we are there. We're the best version of our family there, relaxed and connected and without agenda or schedule. We have conversations that unfold lazily and resolve over days instead of minutes. We tell stories that everyone's heard, and it doesn't bother us, because we have nothing else to do and no where else else to be. We're irresponsible, and we make up plans as we go...
We sleep hard because the roar of the waves keeps us sleeping like babies, and we wake up early, each finding our own spots to read and write and drink coffee before the mildness of the morning burns into the blaze of the day."
I love the way she puts that, and I have to agree about how meaningful this time can be in a family. With five kids and a baby in one house, mild isn't always the word I would choose to describe the mornings. Despite moments of chaos it was wonderful to be together. Here are a few of my highlights from our beach trip:
* the way our families meld and everyone just takes care of and loves everyone else's kids. I love that.
* the nightly skits by Juden and his "Grand- Artie"
* showing my baby the ocean
* listening to Juden read his grand- dad Little Bear before he went to sleep
* porch sitting, and my sis-in-law making us frozen daiquiris, and just being with her. She is just rad.
* sneaking in a late night date with my love on the bike cruisers
* making drippy castles
* flying kites on the beach
* making great big breakfasts and having them made for me:)
* the bookshop and chai breaks with the girls
* walking barefoot on the still-warm sidewalk with a restless Harper, singing him to sleep while watching the moonlight-drenched palm trees sway
* the way Mimi makes everything special, turning a rainy day into tea parties and pedicures
* going for an early morning date with Juden, riding bikes to the doughnut shop. When I smiled at him while riding he said, "Mommy, this is my rose today."
* walking down to the beach every evening when everything feels peaceful and the sky glows orange and pink... shell searching...castle building
* watching our little girls, so proud, learning to swim
* having a chance to look at this family God has built me into and how precious they are

i ♥ summer

The school year is approaching fast and it will usher out irrelevant bed-times, lazy mornings snuggling in bed, and the freedom of no schedule in particular other than playing, friends, getting wet, grass, dirt and fireflies. I love having all my kids around me every day, sinking into a more laid back rhythm. They're loud, chaotic and argumentative at times but also precious and tender and growing. I've loved watching how they adore our newest one.
This summer has actually been a difficult one in a lot of ways. I've had to say some painful goodbyes to people I love. I lost my grandmother and witnessed the return of a painful condition my husband struggles with called Ankylosing Spondylitis. It is an indescribable feeling watching the one you love in severe pain. But I don't really want to talk about all that right now. God is so good carrying us through and lavishing His love on us even in the midst of the hard stuff. I'm clinging to Jesus' mercy and the beauty he spreads throughout my days, always outweighing the painful. Yesterday, Josh decided to take the day off to enjoy some of summer with us. He took us out to breakfast at one of my favorite places. Omelets and Earl Grey are a lovely way to start the day and then we headed to the lake. A quiet, shady bank with chairs, books, tubes, perfect skies, filtered sun-light, soft air on Harper's baby skin, the smell of his neck, and happy dripping children was just what my soul needed.

~circa 1980~

~from July 10th~
It's Sunday morning, just after 5:00am and I am sitting in the Philadelphia airport. I have just come from my grandmother's funeral. What a truly precious soul. That familiar, sad missing is creeping around my head. It's bittersweet, the beautiful celebration in honor of her life and the empty place where she has always been. I am reminded again that we are not made for endings.
The night before the funeral we sifted through a velvet-lined suitcase of her old photos, lovely vintage cards and birth announcements, her writings, letters and her testimony(which my brother later read at her funeral). She saved everything that meant something to her. I thought,"Ah, so this is were I get it from, this need to preserve." Such a gift are these written words. I looked at the lovely cursive over stationary. It's a bit of a dying art; this pen to paper, these written letters, replaced with a sea of cyberspace musings.

There is nothing special about this moment really. My little Harper is sleeping peacefully in a blanket-nest next to me. He is all goldeny-angelic in the light of the just-rising sun. I'm at the airport five hours early so suddenly I have this little open space of time. This gift of quiet to nurse and pray and just be. The sun is starting to glare off of the pavement and the wings of the slowly moving planes getting ready for take-off. There are people rushing all around me to every corner of the earth, but I'm alone in the quiet of my thoughts drifting here and there. People are rushing everywhere, limbs burdened with baggage, furrowed brows, eyes ahead steadily moving. Someones' schedule gets disrupted which leads to angry faces and angry words. Airports are good for watching people. I feel the way Harper looks; peaceful, solitary, drifting in and out of dreams. I blink away the circle rainbows that form on eyelashes facing the sun. I wonder if I can memorize this very ordinary moment; the feel of pen over paper, the glow of the rising sun, the sound of my soul waking to my first Love.
Just a little bit ago I watched my sister, who's moving to California, hurry through security. I was right behind her but got stopped and sent back to the gate to get clearance to fly with the babe. So just like that, I got her attention and blew her a kiss. By this evening I will be on one side of the country and she will be on the other... and so the journey goes.
My heart aches.
Yesterday I said goodbye to my Nanny. What a glorious life lived, what a legacy of faith, what a large hole left in our family by her absence. I sit, I reflect and God's love surrounds me.
Soon I'll be standing on a shore showing my love the ocean, dipping Harpers' new toes in foamy waves. There's a time to be born and a time to die, but above all there is Hope.

We say, then, to anyone who is under trial, give Him time to steep the soul in His eternal truth. Go into the open air, look up into the depths of the sky, or out upon the wideness of the sea, or on the strength of the hills that is His also; or, if bound in the body, go forth in the spirit; spirit is not bound. Give Him time and, as surely as dawn follows night, there will break upon the heart a sense of certainty that cannot be shaken. --Amy Carmichael


~today~
My parents-in-law were taking my family on vacation to the beach this same week so Harper and I were flying out to join them. It was a wonderful reprieve from normal life and the timing was a gift. I'll write more about that later. When thoughts are hurried, scattered and sad, the wide world comforts me. I find so much healing in the ocean... a literal picture of depth and breadth and width, and my Father's love is deeper still. It's strange sometimes the way God meets us right where we are especially when we're hurting. He brings delight right in the middle of pain. He drops his love gifts right in front of us, even in an airport in a day of 15 hours of travel.
As I walked around the airport with Harper in the front carrier and my backpack and diaper bag, my shoulders started to ache. Harper seemed to want to stretch so I found a booth in a airport restaurant and made him a little bed next to me and sat unencumbered to have lunch.
If you've ever lost someone you love you learn that it effects everyone differently. After I lost my dad, seeing girls with their dads made me miss mine. Now after just losing my grandmother, I felt like I had a Nanny shaped hole in my heart. Who could ever fill that role in my life? She's always been there, she had prayed for me every single day. Ninety years worth of wisdom and living, the only grand-mom I've ever known. I have a void of older women present in my life. I miss her.
So, I guess it made sense that when a grandmotherly little woman walked by my booth, something in my heart perked up. "I should ask her to sit with me," I thought as she passed, but I didn't. About 30 seconds later she came up behind me and said, "Feel free to say no, dear, but would you mind if I joined you?"
Yes, please:)
It seemed that for the few of us in the airport not immersed our iPhones, Kindles, or laptops, the first question upon meeting was always, "Where do you come from and where are you going?" I chatted easily with this silver- haired grandmother named Nell. She asked me if I was close to Nanny and what she was like. She listened with kind, knowing eyes. She told me all about her background, her kids and grandkids. I told her of my grandmothers prayers for me and that if I lived to be that kind of grandmother I'd be happy. She said, "I think you will, dear, I think you will."
It was just lunch with a stranger. But also something deeper...a connection, maybe it was motherhood, maybe it was loss, or maybe just finding a friend in a stranger over lunch in an airport. In the next several hours I would be approached by two more of the sweetest most grandmotherly women, both talking to me as if we'd always known each other. What an unexpected gift of comfort. It wasn't until I said goodbye to the third one that I paused and said, thank you.

happy 4th

blueberries

Another thing to love about summer is blueberry picking! Blueberries for Sal by Robert McClosky has long been one of the kids favorite books. It's a sweet story of a little girl who goes blueberry picking with her mom and runs into a mama bear and her cub. Naya excitedly grabbed it yesterday because she knew we were headed to the blueberry farm. We met lots of friends there before it got too hot and filled our buckets (and our mouths). If you're local here is the link. Pack a picnic and take your family. It's a lovely way to spend the morning but you'll want to go early before the heat.







A friend shared this Blueberry Buckle recipe and it met unanimous approval from the kiddlets. Yum, especially with some fresh whipped cream on top.

SIX

Time to do a little blog catching up. I am wondering with the fullness of these days if the blog will become mostly pictures for lack of time. Time to write will ebb and flow and that's just fine because it's summer and there is a whole lot of summer stuff to be done and four little people to do it with. Not to mention, stringing together coherent thoughts is trickier with lack of sleep and crazy hormones. If a few things get recorded, that's better than none and speaking of recording things,there is a certain little lady that turned six last week. You know, I always have to give a little tribute to my loves on their birthday.
To my little woman,
You are six and we are turning a new corner. This has been an amazing year. I have loved being home with my girls. I've loved being your teacher and watching you begin to sound out words and write. You loved watching my tummy grow and you act like a little mama to Harper. He knows your face and you comfort him well when he's sad. I'm proud of your nurturing spirit. You will be going to school this year and I'm going to miss you like crazy. You are a mama's girl. You don't want to leave my side and you are shy with people you don't know. But I know you will grow in so many ways. You love art, music and dancing. You are a creative soul. You are really afraid of storms, wind and clouds after we had some severe storms around here. We have memorized scripture, sung songs, roared back at thunder and studied the science of it, but still you're afraid, little one. We are trying to help navigate you through it but fear is hard and all of us struggle with it at times. The other day I was gardening in the rain and you came out to help me. You are getting braver everyday. Your current career aspiration is to be a ballet teacher. You love baking,reading, drawing rainbows, cities, bunnies and butterflies. Ella Bella, you are a delight in my days. My heart remembers days like this andthis and man, I wish it would just slow down.
May you stay your heart always on our God. May you always know your worth in his sight, my precious daughter. May you be bold and courageous in your faith. Know that wherever your journey takes you, my love will follow you. Happy six, baby.