history maker

I was looking at these pictures of Naya tonight marveling at how precious and complex my little girl is. They reminded me of these I took of Ella in the same dress last year.
Naya has been on my heart a lot lately. My little history maker has been making life a little crazy lately. Three is a really hard age as I recall with Juden.
I've been doing a lot of disciplining and a lot of praying with and for my girl. Sometimes I wonder, 'where is all this anger and hyper-emotionalism coming from, over the tiniest thing?' I always try to make sure we are okay after I have to discipline her, that she knows I love her even if I don't tolerate her behavior. But really there is just no formula to this parenting thing. Believe me, I've read lots of good books. It's all about humility, prayer, grace, forgiveness, love and more love. My, it can be wearisome too though. I pray that God will give me patience to shape my fiery little daughter, to be wise and firm but always full of grace. That I might study just the way her little heart works with all its needs.
It dawned on me, just how much I am like my little daughter with Jesus. I'm hard headed, fretful, angry, and untrusting at times...so dis-believing that he loves me and knows what's best. But how blessed it is when I rest on His bosom with faith like a child to embrace His love and care for me.

The last picture is of me at three and it reminded me a little of Naya now.

today

things I loved about today...
~rain and thunder and more rain bringing a break from a relentless heat wave
~ receiving at least five drawings by my little artist full of rainbows and butterflies and bunnies
~ being with a friend that feels like a sister
~ Monday is library day, books and more books, I love the way books smell.
I love how excited the kids get to have a whole new stack to snuggle up with. This book of poems was a favorite of mine when I was little. The pictures are absolutely lovely. Aunt Amy gave it to Ella for her birthday and she loves it too.
~ and tea...of course

Rabbi's heartbeat

"I knew there was only one place to go. I sank down into the center of my soul, grew still, and listened to the Rabbi's heartbeat."
~ Brennan Manning~

" Quit keeping score altogether and surrender yourself with all your sinfulness to God who sees neither the score nor the scorekeeper but only his child redeemed by Christ."
~Thomas Merton~

Have I mentioned how much I love Brennan Manning? If you have not read his books just start from the top and go through them all. Start with Ragamuffin Gospel and Abba's Child and then The Rabbi's Heartbeat. They are treasures. Once I had the privilege of hearing him speak at my college. He was a small white haired man with a humble demeanor and torn jeans with patches all over them. A man well acquainted with the poor, hardship and the deep compassion of God. His spoken words moved me as much as his words on the page.

I love that quote from The Rabbi's Heartbeat. I turned to that book sometime last week when I had sunk to an emotional low. It doesn't happen very often but when it does, ugh...
We women have the need for such a delicate balance of hormones and I could physically feel that I wasn't myself. I wasn't sleeping and my patience and energy was thin. It probably didn't help to have a string of inconveniences, which I'll spare you from (although strung together make an entertaining list) culminating in Naya having her worst fit ever. I read this quote from Journey Mama and felt like she said it well.
"To be perfectly honest, on any given day I go through about a hundred different emotions. I’m like some five-year-old girl with outfits. Now the pink dress! Now the leggings with the tinselly t-shirt! Now the overalls!

Except for me it’s Melancholy! Melancholy with a slice of nostalgia! Anger! Self-pity! Overwhelming joy!"

I can relate. The truth is that most days are filled with an array of tiny little happinesses. I am pleased with simple things; tea, the sounds of the mourning dove, the smell of my garden, books, my kids imaginations. Everyday God's hand is everywhere calling my attention, taking my breath away, awakening gratitude. God has given me so much, but there is still so much that is hard. Relationships disappoint, I over-commit, I disappoint myself over and over. I feel deeply the sorrows of others especially people I love. I few months ago I held the hand of a friend who had just given birth to her first son, a stillborn. I felt her sorrow. I listened to a young friend struggling and longing for a home. The beauty and sorrow, the ebb and flow, sacred fellowship and loneliness. In the midst of these I choose to cultivate joy. I think I am slowly learning to embrace the way God has wired me. God has made me to feel things deeply perhaps to move me into action. My emotions can be both a source of weakness and strength. Discouragement is not dissatisfaction with God, nor is it ingratitude. Just look at the Psalms and even Jesus himself was a man of sorrows.
"He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows..."
Isaiah 53:3

What comfort that my God knows well exactly the depth of human struggle and longing, and he made us so that our restless souls would find home in Him. I pray that my heart is sorrowed by the things that sorrow the heart of Jesus and that I would rejoice in what He rejoices in. I pray that I would learn how to be tender and just, discerning but compassionate, compelled to action always to love, servant-hood and God.

In the mean time I continue to do what the child in me has always done. I seek calm in nature, the wide open sky, a quiet bed of grass, strength in the rolling mountains where all the complexities of humanity grow small and your worrisome spirit sighs in surrender. There are many glimmers of his love all around me, family, brand new babies, amazing worship, cleansing rain... my precious children. I think as I have time I'll try to write and photograph more those simple joys that fill up my days, that inspire,and place them here. The mundane and even the painful is always threaded through with the sacred.

vacation days

It seems we are starting a summer tradition. Josh took a few days off to have some vacation days with us before he takes his bike trip. My this summer is flying. It's good to have a few days to break from the norm. I so love my little family.

Louis is here...

"I will praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are your works, and my soul knows very well."~ Psalm 139:14






There are seasons in life. Lately it has been one of watching my family and friends blossom, new life, freshness, and promise. Three weeks after the birth of baby James my other brother and his wife gave birth to their first son Louis. Here he is only one day old. Such a lucky Aunt I am. He is beautiful of course. I loved holding him and I melted a little when I saw him in the same little gown I put Juden in, just a few days old. We thank God for his safe arrival after having a difficult time making his entrance. It's amazing what are bodies can do. Good work Aimee! Welcome to the world little man.

"One look at a baby's fingers and you just know that those little bundles of flesh and tiny bones are more sacred and spiritual, than any idea or theology... There are glimpses and whispers of the divine all through the daily, if we let ourselves look again, if we let ourselves believe that the world all around us is threaded through with divinity." ~ Niequist~

F I V E

How quickly we go from this to this to now, my big five year old girl! This week Ella turned five and I didn't get to post about it yet since our Internet has been down but we have been doing quite a bit of celebrating.
My summer baby, June bug. You had a early breakfast date with daddy and chose a pink velvet cape. We spent the day with Nana and some cousins having a picnic and playing in water downtown and going to your favorite museum. I can't believe you're big enough but daddy is teaching you how to ride your big girl bike. You can't wait to join Daddy and Juden. You are so proud of yourself but we are not quite ready to take off the training wheels yet. This week you insisted I cut your hair short like Dovey's and I reluctantly snipped off about 4 inches and my, now you really look like a five year old. You are still pretty little though and everywhere we go people ask if you and Naya are twins. You are such a good big sister to Naya and little sister to Juden. God placed you in such a perfect spot in our family. You are my little artist drawing constantly on everything; butterflies, rainbows, sun shines and faces. I adore them and you love to give them away. This year you learned ballet and had your first crush. You decided you loved Pa from Little House on the Prairie (and I must say, I approve.) Even though we'll miss Juden when he goes to school this year, I am looking forward to having days with just my little women and teaching you kindergarten. Some days my heart misses my little dimpled baby Ella, but I am so proud of the little girl God is making you. You bring me so much delight with your gentle spirit, my quiet little one who takes in everything softly, noticing, with wonder. My little bird, I love you.

sweet baby James

I will always remember today. Last night I got the call that it was time. It seemed to be happening faster than we thought so I got dressed and ran to the car. She had just gotten to the hospital but it looked like he was coming soon. It was a dark, hot night; quiet, except for the brilliant fireworks display I watched from the window as I neared the highway. It seemed fitting I think for his arrival. I prayed for this little child, my nephew that would enter the world tonight, that he would be safe and strong that he would grow in truth, justice and a deep love for God. I prayed that he would enter the world peacefully to the family waiting to love him. I got there fast and stepped into the same place I gave birth to my three and how quickly those moments flooded back. How is this possible that my little brother who I remember being born and treating him like he was my own baby, was becoming a daddy?
It was time for her to push and I held in tears at the sounds of her pain. Anxious , waiting... and then it came his first cries. What a magnificent sound! He was here after a short and smooth labor. And all at once her hard work changed to a tired and beautiful smile. All the waiting was done, he was finally here. He was perfect and angry and cried until they placed him on her chest. Sweet baby James arrived at about 12:30 this morning on his mommy's birthday. The best gift ever for his dad's first Father's day. As we all miss our dad we welcome this new little boy and marvel at this precious life full of promise and hope. We're so happy you're here. We love you to pieces already.



"I think babies really do make you believe in God. They make you believe in God because there's something just beyond understanding about their freshness and fragility and their smell and their toes. When they take their first breaths, and when they land floppy and slippery on your chest under the bright overhead light in the otherwise dim delivery room, when you watch their tiny sleeping selves, when you hear their thin wild animal cries, you know, you just know in your guts that God is real, and that babies have been with him more recently, have come more directly from him than our worn out old selves have."
~Nieguist~

the boy* and the things I don't want to forget

I can't help it, I love this boy for a thousand reasons and here are some of them...
we went to a few yard sales a couple Saturdays ago and Juden was so thrilled with his purchases that they became his uniform for a few days. Hey, who can't use a good pair of goggles, tiny hammer and third place martial arts trophy?

Sometimes he prays, "Dear God, help the people that are sick, can you take all the sickness and throw it at another planet like Jupiter maybe?"
The other day in the car Ella was telling him that a little boy was mean to her and made her cry. He got very serious and said, "Ella if that ever happens to you again, you just tell them that they better stop or they will have to deal with me and then just run." The love of a big brother.



When the weather heated up a while back Juden announced that he was having a lemonade stand. He set to work on the sign and set it up in a very untraveled little alley behind our house. When I came out and noticed leaves in my freshly made pitcher he said it was his secret special recipe. Our kind neighbor overheard and brought him some fresh mint from her garden. I was thinking he might be a tad disappointed when he didn't have customers but that was before I witnessed his business tactics. There was none of that waiting for them to come to him. He would knock on our neighbors doors bringing lemonade and yelling to any stranger that passed by. He was so excited I think he was hard to resist. He did pretty well despite the fact that Ella sat beside him drinking about half of the pitcher. I had to laugh when my neighbor told me she had said she didn't have cash to which he replied, "Well you can use a credit card." Playing along she got it out and asked him what to do with it.He said to swipe it across this rock. She did as he started laughing and said he was just kidding, and gave her the lemonade. So cheeky, this boy of mine!

(thanks for the picture Kelly)
We had some dear friends stay with us and I think Juden wanted to adopt their one year old as his baby brother(I wouldn't have minded either.) Little Ben even made his way into Juden's family portrait later that day. I love how he loves babies and can't get enough of playing with them.
He never gets tired of my kisses and because he always wants just one more chapter.
I love how he fills sketch books and looks at things with wonder. I love how I see his heart growing bigger everyday. He brings me joy every single day.
My, I hope these summer days are long and slow.