sweet baby James

I will always remember today. Last night I got the call that it was time. It seemed to be happening faster than we thought so I got dressed and ran to the car. She had just gotten to the hospital but it looked like he was coming soon. It was a dark, hot night; quiet, except for the brilliant fireworks display I watched from the window as I neared the highway. It seemed fitting I think for his arrival. I prayed for this little child, my nephew that would enter the world tonight, that he would be safe and strong that he would grow in truth, justice and a deep love for God. I prayed that he would enter the world peacefully to the family waiting to love him. I got there fast and stepped into the same place I gave birth to my three and how quickly those moments flooded back. How is this possible that my little brother who I remember being born and treating him like he was my own baby, was becoming a daddy?
It was time for her to push and I held in tears at the sounds of her pain. Anxious , waiting... and then it came his first cries. What a magnificent sound! He was here after a short and smooth labor. And all at once her hard work changed to a tired and beautiful smile. All the waiting was done, he was finally here. He was perfect and angry and cried until they placed him on her chest. Sweet baby James arrived at about 12:30 this morning on his mommy's birthday. The best gift ever for his dad's first Father's day. As we all miss our dad we welcome this new little boy and marvel at this precious life full of promise and hope. We're so happy you're here. We love you to pieces already.



"I think babies really do make you believe in God. They make you believe in God because there's something just beyond understanding about their freshness and fragility and their smell and their toes. When they take their first breaths, and when they land floppy and slippery on your chest under the bright overhead light in the otherwise dim delivery room, when you watch their tiny sleeping selves, when you hear their thin wild animal cries, you know, you just know in your guts that God is real, and that babies have been with him more recently, have come more directly from him than our worn out old selves have."
~Nieguist~

the boy* and the things I don't want to forget

I can't help it, I love this boy for a thousand reasons and here are some of them...
we went to a few yard sales a couple Saturdays ago and Juden was so thrilled with his purchases that they became his uniform for a few days. Hey, who can't use a good pair of goggles, tiny hammer and third place martial arts trophy?

Sometimes he prays, "Dear God, help the people that are sick, can you take all the sickness and throw it at another planet like Jupiter maybe?"
The other day in the car Ella was telling him that a little boy was mean to her and made her cry. He got very serious and said, "Ella if that ever happens to you again, you just tell them that they better stop or they will have to deal with me and then just run." The love of a big brother.



When the weather heated up a while back Juden announced that he was having a lemonade stand. He set to work on the sign and set it up in a very untraveled little alley behind our house. When I came out and noticed leaves in my freshly made pitcher he said it was his secret special recipe. Our kind neighbor overheard and brought him some fresh mint from her garden. I was thinking he might be a tad disappointed when he didn't have customers but that was before I witnessed his business tactics. There was none of that waiting for them to come to him. He would knock on our neighbors doors bringing lemonade and yelling to any stranger that passed by. He was so excited I think he was hard to resist. He did pretty well despite the fact that Ella sat beside him drinking about half of the pitcher. I had to laugh when my neighbor told me she had said she didn't have cash to which he replied, "Well you can use a credit card." Playing along she got it out and asked him what to do with it.He said to swipe it across this rock. She did as he started laughing and said he was just kidding, and gave her the lemonade. So cheeky, this boy of mine!

(thanks for the picture Kelly)
We had some dear friends stay with us and I think Juden wanted to adopt their one year old as his baby brother(I wouldn't have minded either.) Little Ben even made his way into Juden's family portrait later that day. I love how he loves babies and can't get enough of playing with them.
He never gets tired of my kisses and because he always wants just one more chapter.
I love how he fills sketch books and looks at things with wonder. I love how I see his heart growing bigger everyday. He brings me joy every single day.
My, I hope these summer days are long and slow.

meadowlark

A beautiful song for a beautiful little niece Meadow who turned nine yesterday.

I was up early this morning so I went out in the garden to savor those few moments of stillness in my day before all the kids woke up. I wasn't out there but a few minutes before Ella trudged out beside me in her rain boots and nightgown. I don't mind though, I know it's just a brief time that I will have the 4 year old version of Ella. She's always my early riser.
"Good mornin', Mama."
"Good morning, sweet pea."
I read a little more then heard what I would hear again about a thousand times before the day was over, "Mama... Mama."
"The flowers are talking to me."
I watched her walk around humming and looking at all the flowers and having pretend conversations with the snapdragons. She loves to see what's blooming everyday, to learn their names and help me prune the dead blooms. But she loves the snapdragons the most. I did too at her age when my dad would pinch the sides of the soft petals and make them talk to me in funny little voices. After a little time in the garden she moved to her other favorite thing, drawing and coloring. I recently pulled out this special coloring book because she is getting so big and she loves it. She has even requested that we call her Mallow after the Mallow flower fairy.
The name Ella means light or light of God and with each day I spend with her I see more deeply how very true to her name she is.


I finally sat down tonight after a long day of mopping floors, homeschooling, disciplining toddler tantrums,grocery shopping, making food, cleaning up food, ect. But honestly as I knelt to pray with my family all I felt was how much I love every bit of it. Because it is real and it is life and it is where God has put me and everything I do in a day speaks to the immense blessings he has given me. I picked up this book tonight and read this portion which is pretty much exactly how I feel.
"There's normal life, kind of day-to-day, make breakfast, do-the-dishes kind of life, but just underneath that, like a throb of bass you feel in your chest, I feel a whole other thing going on. In the midst of taxes and email, there is something sacred, something special dipping and weaving within that same old thing, like a firefly, like a great song, and it reminds you that the dishes and the taxes are real, but so much more is real too. The sacred mixes in with the daily when you have a conversation with someone you love, when you read a great book, or when you do something courageous. It's still just a normal day, but there's something bigger, something more compelling going on."
~Shauna Niequist~

"All the time we wondered and wondered, who is this person coming/growing/turning/floating/swimming
deep, deep inside."
~ Crescent Dragonwagon


These are my two sisters-in-law carrying my two new nephews, one of whom we will be meeting later this month. Just look at those bellies. Aren't they lovely?

Trish's first baby shower...

the proud parents...


Keith looking like, "How did this happen?"
getting a little practice with baby Jude...


We can't wait to meet you precious ones.

what stays

"...we don’t lose things, really, just like we don’t lose our childhoods. The children that we were stay inside of us, and so do the places that we’ve been."
~Journey Mama~

I read this the other day and felt an ache of knowing. Things do stay inside us, our childhood, the places we've been... and the people we've loved. My grief has taught me that. Sometimes when I see immense suffering I think my grief should feel small. But there is no sense in comparing. Loss is loss and it does not feel small when it grips your heart. Yesterday would have been my dad's birthday. He is always there but on certain dates I feel his absence more and I want to remember to give thanks for his life even though he's gone home. In my house there are many things made by my father. He was a painter and a craftsman. He made carousel horses and a lion for my sister. I used to marvel at how he could sculpt wood into something so perfect and graceful looking. When he died he had several works in progress in his workshop. So I have a half carved horse head in my house. It is a melancholy reminder in some ways of what was unfinished. What things will I leave unfinished? What things are important in my days? I ran my fingers through the rough grooves that were beginning to take form. I thought of the his careful hands slowly chipping away with his old worn tools, the hours, and the artistry. Just like people we love stay with us, so does the missing.
The other Sunday I sat on my front porch in a thunder storm. I watched as my brother carefully showed Juden how to whittle. I watched the blade shave away wood till the shape of a fish emerged. I cupped the wood chips in my hands and the smell and the sound of the rain made me feel like I was little watching my dad teach my brothers to carve. It made me thankful.

today

today

If ever there were a spring day so perfect,
so uplifted by a warm intermittent breeze
that it made you want to throw
open all the windows in the house
and unlatch the door to the canary's cage,
indeed, rip the little door from its jamb,
a day when the cool brick paths
and the garden bursting with peonies
seemed so etched in sunlight
that you felt like taking
a hammer to the glass paperweight
on the living room end table,
releasing the inhabitants
from their snow-covered cottage
so they could walk out,
holding hands and squinting
into this larger dome of blue and white,
well, today is just that kind of day.

~Billy Collins~




We've had a string of these kind of spring days where it's hard to take in everything that's blooming. The other night my little brother came by after work with bundles of the loveliest peonies for me and my girls. That is just the sort of little brother he is.

Ella wanted to put hers right by the Klimt canvas. When Josh gave me the picture a few years ago Ella immediately said it was she and I which made me love it all the more. And in the listening corner for this perfect May day this and this.

to our moms

reposted from May 08






Our mothers... what a thing to celebrate. They were there when we took our first breath, our first day of school, our first heart-break, they were biting their lips when we first started driving, they feel our disappointments with us and our smile makes their heart sing. They are those women who, for many of us are pillars of strength and the ones we have to thank for some the good we see in ourselves. Today I also send prayers up for all those women who have lost their moms or had miscarriages or who desperately want to be a mother. I say this remembering my first mothers day after losing our first child. Peace be with you on days like today.

I thought I'd share some photos, the first of which is by Elliot Erwitt who is one of my favorite photographers. I love how it captures the indescribable bond of a mother and baby. The second is by Leon Levinstein and the third by Wayne Miller.

But these are the moms that mean the most to me. The first raised the man I love and blows any negative mother-in-law stereo type out of the water. She exudes nurturing and from the first time I met her she took me under her wings like she has so many over the years.

Lastly, is my very own beautiful mother who has given more than I could express. Since I have become a mom I realize more fully just how amazing she is.

expecting...

Okay, before I get my mom all excited let me just say that I am not pregnant. She is just as excited about grand-baby number 13 and 14 coming this summer, as she was about the first. It has been a while since I was in this state. So no plans for another bun in the oven for us at the moment. Naya seemed to think it was about time though. What little girl hasn't stuffed her teddy bear or blanket up her shirt, enamored with the whole thought of a babe in the belly? I know I did once upon a time. I can think of about ten friends and two sisters-in-law that are pregnant right now. I am literally surrounded by signs of new life swelling and growing all around me. What a miracle and blessing our children are, whether they're the first or the tenth. I am waiting excitedly for the call from my life-long friend from back home in New Jersey who will meet her sixth baby at any moment. I still remember watching the birth of her first and I so wish I could hop a plane to be there with her. My friend shared this song that is so fitting for all you lovely mothers to be. You can listen to it here. I must get some pictures of the lovely mama's to be soon. Until then, here's a few more of Naya's baby bump.

*4 Bridges*

I love my town. Yesterday was the 4 Bridges Art Festival and it was bursting with amazing art. I had a little date with Juden and these were our favorite picks. The above artist is Patricia DeLeon Alfonso and her work is pristine, whimsical and compelling. I loved it all, especially the umbrella oval piece. Juden loved the purple strand in her hair and made sure he told her that it was beautiful.
The work of Shaun LaRose was also a favorite...stunning breathtaking and powerful. He also makes furniture and incredible murals, one of which beautifies the main street area of our city giving it a bit more of an urban edge.


artist standing to the right


Juden's pick-Tim Hooper


It was a fun afternoon that made me love my city and feel inspired. We came home to this sight...not surprising after he got home at 4:30am from one of his four shows this week. Piggy-back swinging seems like a perfect way to spend a post-show tired Sunday afternoon.

Honestly we've had some stress this weekend, a stubborn stomach virus and tough school decisions. But worst was getting home from Josh's show Friday and finding that some mean person decided to make two pages worth of PlayStation purchases draining our entire bank account. But my, when you look at the good, there is always so much to be found. So much.