Valentine

While the kids were immersed in Valentine craftinesss I put together some heart chains inspired by Katie over at, http://neweyes.atlblogs.com/archives/010208.html

We never do much for Valentine's day. It's kind of a strange over-commercialized holiday when drugstore aisles ooze with too much sugar and weird stuffed bears holding satin hearts. But the kids enjoyed the mess of color, glue and paper hearts, and I like having these pretty little chains dangling around the house.
I'm a fan of love. Aren't we all drawn into those great love stories?... Anna Karenina and Vronsky, Salvador Dali and Gala, C.S.Lewis and Joy, Yoko Ono and John Lennon, and of course Romeo and Juliet. The list could go on and on.

I can't do a Valentine post without posting some pictures of my own love. Here he is in our dating days looking like a record cover of romantic hits from the 70's, which always makes me laugh a little. Sorry for the lovey-dovey cheese but what can I say I am a girl in love.



By the way my very own husband, Carl Cadwell, the awesome Higgins sisters and a few others will be playing an Anti-Valentine's party at the Loose Cannon Gallery tonight in the Southside. There is a $10 cover and an open bar. I'm not sure what makes it anti-Valentine's but they will play songs from LCD Sound System, Postal Service, Stevie Wonder, James Brown and Sly and the Family Stone, and it is sure to be a good time. If you read being green but don't comment often or ever, leave me one and I'll send the first three commenters Infradig's last CD, Ecstatic Everywhere. Happy Valentine's Day all, and go hug someone you love.

the harebell

( illustration of Cicely Mary Barker)

"Then there were harebells, tiny lanterns, cream white and almost sinful looking, and these were so rare and magical that a child ,finding one, felt singled out and and special all day long."
~John Steinbeck~


This weekend on my birthday, I felt like the child.

Captain Juden

Here's a few shots from the quadruple birthday party. Juden said he wanted a pirate ship cake so I thought, I can do that. I am no Martha Stewart and I have a new respect for those that make it look easy. Creative cake-baking is harder than it looks. Jen watched with encouraging words while I made a ship wreck out of my first attempt. The whole thing broke in half but the second time it worked a little better and as you can see Juden's face says it all!




When it was time for the pinata I noticed Juden was missing and found him tucked away with his favorite ballerina, Lulu.

goodbye three

In a couple hours my little boy turns four. Any of the hints of toddler have been replaced with full-fledged little boy energy and curiosity. It is hard to fathom how much this little boy has changed my world. The night before he arrived Josh was undertaking one of the many projects on our house. He decided to remove the non- working chimney which left a large hole in our roof so he and his dad worked quickly as rain was expected the next day. A cloud of soot puffed out from the fire place and as I sealed it up and was scrubbing the black film off the floor I thought,"Maybe this will send me into labor." But I brushed it off since my due date was a couple of days away. I had a restless, uncomfortable night wondering if what I was feeling might be the real thing. I felt a little better in the morning but as I was getting out of the shower my water broke. I got a glimpse of how much I loved my son already when things got frantic toward the end of my labor. He seemed to be stuck after 2 and 1/2 hours of pushing, and I realized that I didn't care if someone cut me in half with a sword as long as my son was okay. Almost 24 hours after my water broke on February 2, I met Juden Blaze. The love of a mother is beyond words, so different from other relationships. Friendships grow from common bonds and a lover charms and woos you but this baby did absolutely nothing to gain such unconditional and selfless love. It was simply that they he was mine.

His birthday just makes me think about how very much I love this little boy. I think about his accident and am reminded of what a gift every day is. He is a hundred percent boy with his endless energy and a strong will at times. He tells me he loves me several times a day and makes me laugh all the time. He likes to spend most days wearing a snug pirate suit and imagining pirate adventures and making Ella walk the plank, which she seems happy to do as long as she's dressed like Tinkerbell. His absolute favorite toy is a little wooden sword Josh made for him and drew designs on. It is in his hand or shoved down his pants at all times, except for during Sunday school and church when it sits in his car-seat. Every night when I tuck him in, it's tight in his arms. I must admit I'm a little sad to see three go, we've had lots of happy days this year. Three has had it's moments for sure of grocery store scenes, mischief and tantrums. But some months ago Juden started adding in his bedtime prayers, "God please help me to obey," and it has been part of his prayers ever since. No matter how naughty he may have been in a day this always melts my heart. Such a picture of all of us really. Wanting to do good, always trying and failing much of the time, asking for God's grace to help us obey. Most nights I sneak in his room when he's fast asleep and lay there with him, hold him, pray for him and watch him sleep ,one of the few times he's still. I love this habit and it allows me consistent time to pray for him. Today we gave him a fully costumed birthday bash. I'm usually not a huge party kind of person but it's so fun to celebrate the people we love and his huge smile made it all worth it. So good bye three, to all those sunny days and willing hugs, those hilarious questions and your curious innocence and hello four and a whole new year to love you.

falling slowly

My sister recommended this film called Once to me. It was refreshingly non-Hollywoodish. The cast was made up of musicians that had not acted before which gave it an earthy realness. This song from the movie is just beautiful.

the bella girl

This week started out pretty bad. Naya has been out of sorts for days and seems to get one cold after another. But what's been more concerning is Ella. On Sunday evening she started having what appeared to be an allergic reaction to something. When Josh went to bathe her he noticed she was covered in hives and her right knee was swollen, hot and red. This is also her smaller leg due to a club foot. She did not want to stand and limped if she tried to walk. The Dr said to bring her in the morning. She was much improved by the time I took her in Monday, and her blood work and X-rays came back normal. By Monday afternoon she appeared to be in alot of pain and literally could not even take a step. She said she had to go to the potty but she just stood there crying unable to lift her leg and take a step. I was on the phone with the Dr's office several times and they said to give her ibuprofen and wait it out. When that kicked in she started to walk but with a severe limp.
As every parent knows there is nothing more heart-wrenching than seeing your child in pain. All I wanted was to make it go away , to stop the tears. I was scanning the Internet for some possible explanation. I have this annoying knack for imagining the worst scenarios and for some how feeling personally responsible when my kids are falling apart. I kept thinking, could it be a bite of some sort or did I give her something to eat she's allergic to? And why is Naya so not herself? Mom's are supposed to be able to make everything better so when we can't and the whining won't end it's just exhausting. I came home from my girls group Monday night after having given them my flustered rant and starting feverishly cleaning the house until I thought, "why am I mopping floors at almost mid-night?" I felt slapped in the face with the fact that ultimately I can not keep my kids safe and healthy all the time. It's amazing how much time I find to get on my knees when something goes wrong. I spent a lot of that night just praying for Ella and thanking God for my family. I thought about all the parents who have children with chronic illness or disabilities. How do they cope when pain is their "normal" everyday life? I offered up a prayer for them. God give them grace. I 'm not even doing well with a couple of days. His mercies are new every morning. Thankfully when Ella woke up on Tuesday she seemed a lot better, no hives, no limp. I'm still baffled as to what is happening with her and ask for your prayers as I noticed some hives have reappeared again today along with an occasional slight limp again.

On a brighter note Ella's cousin Dove called her on the phone this morning, and the conversation sounded like this from our end;
" Hi Dovey, I comin to your house today." She then proceeded to sing loudly into the phone all of 'Jesus loves me' and a remix of 'The B-I-B-L-E' and 'Ee-igh,Ee-igh, oh' which was very amusing. Then she said,'See ya lata Dovey, wuv you."
Is there anything in the world more completely darling than two year old girls?

brown-eyed girl

Here's a few I snapped of Naya Faith yesterday. This age is so very precious. She is such a little girl, dainty and affectionate. She only says a hand-full of words but she giggles and squeals a lot. She's already taking three or four steps by herself. I'm rather smitten with all of my children but she makes me want to have five more which makes my husband look a little scared. She breaks into a broad smile at every stranger that looks her way. She's a charmer, and a heart-stealer already... oh boy.


Apparently even she can't resist stealing a kiss...

Yann Tiersen

Some friends were over recently and introduced us to this:



Enjoy,I think it is brilliant. It makes me want to throw some clothes in a bag and explore Europe. Oh, the daydreams a song can produce.

seasons

I will warn you now, I'm feeling a tad melancholy. The other day we took down the Christmas tree. Juden had fallen in love with the tree. The night we put it up he was ecstatic and laid on his tummy just staring at it chattering away about how now it was Christmas. I prefer white lights on the tree but we used colored because they always seemed a bit more magical to me as a child. As soon as it got dark Juden would run around turning all the Christmas lights on and all the other lights off yelling,"Look Ella, now it's Christmas!" I thought this was cute at first until I was reading a book or changing a diaper and suddenly the room went dark except for the soft glow of the tree. That was his ritual every night and since we put the tree up the day after Thanksgiving he had grown very attached to it. With this said, you can imagine how tragic it was when we had to take the tree away. I felt like a big meanie as the tears streamed down his face while he watched Josh out the window and pleaded,"Don't take my tree, don't throw it in the trash." I tried to comfort him, telling him that we had to take the tree away because it was dead and that Christmas was a season and we would get another tree next year. I held him in my lap as we sat on the floor by the heaps of brittle pine needles and I felt a little of the emptiness. Christmas and New year is such a painful and lonely time for so many. We do celebrate Christ's Birth but we are also celebrating the hope of what is to come as a result of His birth. Someday He will come and heal all of our wounds, He will wipe away the sin that corrupts and bring peace. But for now, for a little while we are left here with all of our dysfunctional relationships and discord, our sickness and longings, disappointments and brokenness. Our reality of struggle and loneliness juxtaposed with hyper-consumerism and fake overly-sentimental "holiday cheer" tossed at us from every direction can seem quite harsh. That is our current reality, battling our flesh and pains that intermingle with our joys so closely sometimes that it is difficult to decipher which is which. The wells of joy and beauty in my own life have only grown deeper in light of the hard things I've gone through. How amazing to serve a God who knows our aching and despair and can meet us where we are. His joy and peace is inside me but someday... it will be fully realized.

new year

Naya enjoying her first Christmas..
and getting happy on the new year.


We are coming down from the whirlwind. It really has been a wonderful holiday,we've had good times with family and friends. The kids bed times went out the window and there was several days of celebration. It's strange how quickly it all goes by. I guess it is just where I am in life right now. From the moment I wake up it seems that between taking care of three little people I always have this list of things to do that I can never quite catch up on. I didn't feel like I had much of a chance to sit and reflect on the past year. It has been a good year, the highlight of course was having the gift of sweet Naya. Josh's health has improved amazingly and the flare ups of pain have been much less frequent and less severe. Our family life has changed as we've said goodbye to Infradig, and certain related stresses have lifted. Josh has continued working away on our house meanwhile we talk and dream of living communally, having more land for our kids to roam, and growing our own food. This year I will say goodbye to my twenties, a wonderful decade for sure. I really love where I am and am so very thankful that I can stay home with my kids and savor every moment of these fleeting days. This year marks three years since the last time I saw my dad. It has not gotten easier, and I hate thinking about getting further away from the last time I heard him tell me he loved me. However I am thankful for the heightened sense of gratitude his passing has left me with. I look forward to this new year and all it's fresh promise.

The Word became flesh

" Don't try to explain the Incarnation to me. It is further from being explainable than the furthest galaxy. It is love, God's limitless love enfleshing that love into the form of a human being, Jesus, the Christ, fully human and fully divine.
Was there a moment, known only to God, when the galaxies paused in their dance for a fraction of a second, and the Word, who had called it all into being, went with all his love into the womb of a young girl, and the universe started to breathe again, and the ancient harmonies resumed their song, and the angels clapped their hands for joy?
Power. Greater power than we can imagine, abandoned, as the Word knew the powerlessness of the unborn child, still unformed, taking up almost no space in the great ocean of amniotic fluid, unseeing,unhearing, unknowing. Slowly growing, as any human embryo grows, arms and legs and a head, eyes, mouth, nose, slowly swimming into life until the ocean in the womb is no longer large enough, and it is time for birth.
Christ, the Second Person of the Trinity, Christ, the Maker of the universe or perhaps many universes, willingly and lovingly leaving all that power and coming to this poor, sin-filled planet to live with us for a few years to show us what we ought to be and could be. Christ came to us as Jesus of Nazareth, wholly human and wholly divine, to show us what it means to be made in God's image."
~ Madeliene L'Engle~

sparkle

The other night we wandered around down-town to show the kids the window displays and then stopped for cocoa. The kids enjoyed the sparkly fake snow and moving reindeer and it was free. These weeks have been flying by with Christmas parades and parties, crafts and baking and the kids have been in heaven. Sometimes I wish I could bottle their excitement. Last night was the New City Christmas concert which was amazing. James Ward rocked of course, and it was a beautiful time of worship. I am also breathing a little sigh of relief that my solo performance is behind me. The countdown is getting closer. I'm avoiding the commercialism and the mall like the plague and enjoying the magic with my wee ones.

thanks

Autumn is breathing her last; Thanksgiving is long gone and I've gone and let it slip by without voicing my thanks. It hardly seems fitting since most days I sense daily how incredibly much I have to be thankful for. My list really could be endless. Sometimes I have this strange sense that it will all come crashing down. I don't know why but I have always had this keen awareness of the chasm between what I deserve and the life I've been given.

Life is so very rich. Some things that I love are the sky after rain, the smell of wet paint, seeing old people that still hold hands,sipping warm chai, graveyards, road trips, sunflowers, dreams that are so good you try not to wake up so you can know how it ends, discovering beautiful new songs
nightswimming,Wysteria and little hands that bear wilting wildflowers.. I think I'll stop, lest I start sounding like a hallmark card. Those are just a few things that bring a smile. These are my biggest sources of joy on a regular basis...

Advent reading

"Though Advent (literally 'arrival') has been observed for centuries as a time to contemplate Christ's birth, most people today acknowledge it only with a blank look. For the vast majority of us December flies by in a flurry of activities, and what is called 'the holiday season' turns out to be the most stressful time of the year.
It is also a time of contrasting emotions. We are eager,yet frazzled; sentimental, yet indifferent. One minute we glow with the thought of getting together with family and friends;the next we feel utterly lonely... Content with candles and carols and good food, we bask in the warmth of familiar traditions, in reciprocated acts of kindness, and in feelings of general goodwill... How many of us share the longings of the ancient prophets, who awaited the Messiah with such intensity that they foresaw his arrival thousands of years before he was born?
Mother Teresa once noted that the first person to welcome Christ was John the Baptist, who leaped for joy on recognizing him, though both were still in their mothers' wombs. We, in stark contrast, are often so dulled by superficial distractions that we are incapable of hearing any voice within, let alone listening to it. Consequently, the feeling we know as Christmas cheer lacks any real connection to the vital spirit that radiated from the manger. That is the main purpose of this collection: to reforge that link, and to encourage the rediscovery of Advent as a season of inward preparation....Advent marks something momentous: God's coming into our midst."

This is an excerpt from the introduction of a book called "Watch for the Light".
Its daily readings are by various authors, some of which include C.S.Lewis, Thomas Merton, Philip Yancey, Madeleine L'Engle, Henri Nouwen, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Annie Dillard, St. Thomas Aquinas, and Brennan Manning.

Now that December is here, I've been thinking a lot about how easy it is to lose sight of what all the celebration is about. There really is so much that can distract. Obviously, to some it is all about the stuff, the presents, the lights, the parties and the fuzzy feelings that surround the season. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love everything about Christmas. At our house the music starts in November and without fail, every year I feel a surge of child-like delight when the lights come out and the tree goes up. Bring on the mistletoe, pretty paper, and gift-giving, the parties and the carols. I revel in all of it, I can't get enough of the charm of this season. But all of that is just a way to celebrate and enjoy the good gifts our Father has lavished on us. I adore watching how magical these first Christmas' are to my children but have also gotten a taste of the difficulty of the season in missing loved ones lost. During this time of year my heart is just so full.

With each year that passes I have an increasing sense of the absolute holiness of this season of Advent. It is a time to fast, to reflect, to examine and purge from our hearts the darkness that is there. It is a time to triumph in the babe in the manger, our God who put on flesh and became like us so that he could dwell among us and obliterate the void that lay between us. It is a time to be mindful that our Messiah will come again.

I wanted to share this book because it has been a blessing to me, water to a thirsty soul. Last year I read it by myself
but this year I'm reading it with Josh. In the dark we sit, all distractions aside, with only a candle to light the page. It is becoming my favorite time of the day.