Eva

As a quick add on to Josh's post on Joel, check out these pics of Juden putting the moves on their daughter. Her name is Evangeline Linda,(my little name sake, it still makes me teary.)

What do ya think?

It's funny when you have kids people always like to figure out which parent they look the most like. Most everyone says they look just like Josh. These shots are of Josh and I as wee ones. So what's your vote?

trick or treat

Here is our little brood in costume. Halloween is definitely not my favorite holiday but it's nice to see the neighborhood come alive, and what better excuse to play dress-up and eat sweets with friends.

soft

"There is a certain age at which a child looks at you in all earnestness and delivers a long, pleased speech in all the true inflections of spoken English, but with with not one recognizable syllable."
~Annie Dillard~

moving on

once his tiny hands collected treasure there.
his little feet trampled through the creek and the forrest.
it's where he grew up,
part of the canvas he was painted on.
it's the home he took this new jersey girl to one cold november night.
it's where we passed one stop light and saw some livestock chained to a tree in someones yard, i'd never seen that before.
it's where i thought to myself, "it's official i'm getting in thick with a southern boy."
it's where we took a moon-lit walk on the train tracks and ended up a stones throw from a bull the size of a shed.
it was the place of bartmitzvah's and bobbing for spam.
it was the place of many gatherings and bon-fires.
it is a place of peace where the wide open sky shines with stars unhindered by the city lights.
it's a place of refuge and comfort and fellowship.
it's a place where on a sunny day i married him in the clearing in the woods.
it's a place you don't fully appreciate until it's slipping away.

Autumn...

I've been craving her around these parts but she's been shy about making her presence known this year. I've caught a few glimpses though, If I look hard enough. Wasn't it just yesterday that I was nestled in a tree and the days were long and my agenda was nothing but redecorating my tree house and collecting leaves? Naya is getting mighty cozy in her carrier and the kids legs are weary from trudging around mountain trails. The smell of dead leaves and fire and the crisp morning air is filling my cup, and I can't get enough.



"When despair for the world grows in me, and I wake in the night at the least sound, in fear of what my life and my children's life may be-I go and lie down where the wood drake rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds. And I come into the peace of wild things who do not tax their lives with forethought or grief. I come into the presence of still water. And I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting with their light. For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free."
~Wendell Berry~

worry

Most of the time I'm fairly laid-back and trusting but every once in awhile I give way to worrying ...I confess I worry about a lot of things. When did this happen? Did I get it from my mom? She is a professional, blood pressure-through the-roof kind of worrier. Does it just come with the territory of being a mom? It's not all the time, and not an obsessive thing, but when I think about certain things, there's no denying it. I worry about vaccinating my kids and all the preservative-filled foods lining the shelves of the grocery store. I worry that if I'm talking to someone at church Juden will be standing on the communion table when I turn around (it actually happened!). I worry that I'll never fit into my 'before kids' jeans again. I worry about money. I worry about how to wisely and lovingly discipline my kids; am I too tough on my kids or too soft? I worry about how to educate them. I worry about how to raise thoughtful, creative people in a culture that seems to breed apathy and materialism. I worry about how to combat the lies my girls will be fed by our culture about the importance of appearance and their worth, and how to raise my son into a man of honor. I worry that my shyness will be misconstrued as disinterest. I worry about not having enough time for ministry because, honestly there are days I have trouble meeting all the needs of my three babies and keeping some kind of order in my house. I worry about something bad happening to my kids. I worry about the fact that every paternal family member including my dad died of cancer. I worry about pollution and air quality. I worry about the political climate. I worry that I'm not using the gifts God gave me to full potential. I worry that I'm so wrapped up in myself and my family that I won't see that person who is lonely or hurting. I worry about recurring sin in my heart that keeps getting the better of me.

When these thoughts creep in like a summer afternoon thunder storm it's hard to keep them at bay. And so I remind myself that my God is a God of power and grace. This fear that wants to overwhelm is not of him. Thankfully it seems to take the simplest and most humble of encounters to make these worries vanish before they can even set in. Funny how I haven't changed that much from when I was little. If I was anxious or upset I would go somewhere, where I could see the sky, hide among trees or immerse myself in the quiet reflection of water. I would always return comforted somehow by the how tiny I felt, and thus how trivial my worries felt in relation to the vast world around me. Now that I can't steal away and solitude is a rare commodity; my children are often a very good remedy for melancholy. Anxiety dissipates at the sound of Juden praying,thanking God for all his favorite people followed by all his favorite foods. Or Juden's ostentatious displays as he belts out songs in a ridiculous vibrato voice, or the way my kids bust into a ballistic dancing frenzy whenever we put on Stevie Wonder's Superstition. And honestly it's hard to think about anything else at the sight of Naya Faith's smile...the simplicity of the heart of a child. Just like that, I'm thrust back into the here and now, and for today, we have life and each other and it's all far to precious to waste with worrying.

I think back to the last time I heard my dad recite the "Do not worry" passage. I had heard him read it several times over my lifetime, but none so poignant as the last. I think he was touched as much by is deep truth as its poetry. It was shortly after his collapse. After a night of wine and celebration in preparation for my brother's wedding the following day, my perfectly healthy dad fell, and in an instant, lost the use of the left side of his body. We later found out it was a cancerous brain tumor and that he had months to live (although that didn't sink in until much later). A few weeks later I wheeled my frail father into a worship service where he worshipped with every ounce of the strength he had left and he recited part of this passage.

"So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field which today is and tomorrow is cast into the fire, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not worry saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?'or 'What shall we wear?' For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For Your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about it's own things. Sufficient for the day is it's own trouble."
~Matthew 6:25-34~

naya photo shoot...

because I can't resist the cuteness. I love how she smells and plays with my lips while she nurses. I love her faces and how she belly laughs. There is nothing more peaceful than the sight of her sweet face asleep in my arms. Who could have ever thought that something so tiny and helpless could bring so much joy.

endings...

My heart's been wanting to spill but I thought I'd wait a day rather than write yesterday in the sleepy wake of it all. The last show of infradig was just...something, I don't even really know what; I'm still trying to process it. It was just so full. Thank you to everybody who showed up to pay tribute, it was overwhelming to see all of you there. There were college friends, parents, people who have been part of our lives in one way or another and also just those faithful hardcore fans of the music. People came from far and near; most amazingly my very own cousin who drove from Chicago just for the night. Josh joked when he announced the end, he wanted to see a collective shaking of the fists from fans. He definitely got it. It was so nice to be able to be there since it's been about a year since I saw them last due to pregnancy and nursing. I worked the merchandise table, which was fun, and I had a good view of Josh over the moving crowd. The whole evening was a little bittersweet. Seeing them live was amazing, there really isn't anything like it. You just can't capture it on a recording; the anonymity of being squeezed among the bodies, the dim air thick with smoke, the smooth drone of the bass vibrating through your chest, eyes closed to let your emotions ride every nuance of the music, catching the adrenaline of people dancing freely. The music brought a lot of people together, it caused us to meet people and see places we would't have otherwise. Their music, like art, helped "shake the dust of everyday life off of our souls" and just made a lot of people really happy, and don't we all just need a little more of that? Seeing my love play still does the same thing to me, I'm just so proud...had the bouncer stage left not been so ominous looking I think I would have jumped on stage and kissed him. The expression on Josh's face at the last crash of Benediction made the tears start welling. Sure, we can still pop their CD's in the player but never seeing the flailling dread-headed Carl slamming those keys and Josh's bombastic drum solo's, the unique interpretive dance style of certain college friends, the music that makes even non-dancers cut loose and sway...the experience that is infradig, ending ...that is something to be mourned. So here's to you guys for almost ten years of hard work and dedication, for the passion of using your gifts to bring joy to so many, to the end of an era, to making amazing music.

final show

Okay folks, I am giving you the heads up now so you can mark your calendar, get a babysitter, take a nap on Saturday afternoon and get yourself to Rhythm-n-Brews downtown this Saturday night, Sept. 22. Infradig is having their final show ever and releasing their new CD. DJ Waysout will open and Infradig will probably start around 10:00 and play until the wee hours. Come show them some love,it's the last chance.

conversations

I love how conversational Juden has become. It's kind of new territory having rational, real talks with one of my kids. I love it; he says the most hilarious and sweet things sometimes. The other day we went to have a picnic in the battlefield and as we were driving in I said, "Look at the beautiful meadow Juden." To which he sat up in his car seat excitedly and looked, "Where Mama?"
"Right there sweetie," I said. He stared with a puzzled look and I realized he was looking for the cousin he adores named Meadow. So I explained that Meadow is his cousin but that her name also means a field of grass or flowers. He looked troubled that Meadow wasn't there and he said," I don't understand Mama." My sister Amy's other kids are named Oak and Dove so I told him that peoples names sometimes have another meaning like Oak is also a tree and Dove is a type of bird. Now he looked happy with himself like he got it and said confidently ,"Ohh, and Amy means sky."

God Grew Tired of Us

I don't post much about movies cause I don't see too many that I like but I saw a film called God Grew Tired of Us, and it has really stuck with me. It is a documentary film about the lost boys of Sudan. In 1987 Sudan's Muslim government ordered the death of all males in the Christian south. 27,000 boys fled to Ethiopia on foot. They wandered the sub-Saharan desert for years and 12,000 survived. The film followed the story of a few of these boys who came to America, worked and tried to find lost loved ones. It also shows their perspective on American culture which is fascinating. Watching it kind of ripped my heart out to be honest but I'm glad I saw it. It was so foreign to me... the weight of their suffering, the horrors they had seen. It was sobering to think about the things that get me stressed, things like making ends meet or how we are going to pay off student loans, a disagreement with my husband or how to get Juden to stop being a maniac. I am happy to have those problems in relation to theirs. I realized how incredibly charmed my life is and how blessed beyond measure I am. I can't think about it for too long because it disturbs me, I don't deserve these blessings any more than they. It puts things into perspective that is for sure. With the awareness of the situation came this burden of longing to help in some way. Since seeing it I can not get the images out of my head. Given my circumstances I felt so helpless and so decided to pray for them every time they came to mind. I can not under estimate the power in that alone. I reccomend seeing it just to be globally aware and maybe even moved into action or prayer.

one year

Apparently it's been a year since I entered the blog world. I thought about ending it since there are probably only so many pictures of my children people can stand to look at, and the musings of this stay at home mom are not the most exciting read, but hey, nobody has to read. I've kind of enjoyed the occasional outlet and making connections. So at least for now I guess I'll give it a new look and continue the self-indulgence of being green. I love getting little windows into each others lives...our homes, our work and interests, our highs and lows, raising kids, marriage, fighting, losses, all the stuff of life. Thanks to all who have entered into the exchange and until I decide otherwise enjoy this peek into being green.

swingin

Here is one of the things I loved about yesterday...
having a rain storm interrupt our work on the outside of our house which forced us to sit on the porch and watch a drenched Juden dancing in his underwear in the front yard.
Second, watching my sweaty kids dance till they dropped at Swing fest last night in the park, so charming. Don't children do it the best? So carefree, without a thought about if they're in rhythm or who might be watching. Josh and I attended this event a few short years ago, minus three new little dance partners...crazy!!







Third, coming home and having my husband spontaneously offer to cook for me, candles and all. Sometimes I think I'm the luckiest girl ever.

my loves

What's a girl to do in 103 degree heat but get rid of the shirt and bust out the red umbrella. Summer is slipping away, the school year for Josh is in full swing and Naya is now six months. She's sitting up and scooting all over the place. She is a ridiculously happy baby and seems to get sweeter by the day. It's been a challenge in these days of heat inventing ways to keep my stir crazy kids happy. Sometimes the whining and arguing and discipline is exhausting. But I also feel so blessed to have these three amazing little people and to be able to stay home with them. If the day is really chaotic, I think about the fact that someday I'll have a 13, 14, and 15 year old in the house together and then I feel really glad to be right where we are at.

my mama

I remember hiding in the back of the closet with my mom, we'd hear the screech of the school bus brakes and then my sisters footsteps through the front door. They'd open the door to hang up there coats and we'd jump out to their surprised screams and laughter. She was always doing some crazy thing to keep our household full of laughter. She was the kind of mom who stayed up after everyone else was asleep to bake cupcakes with pink gumdrops on top for me to take to school on my birthday. She was the kind of mom who could always tell if someone was down and knew just how to brighten their spirit. She was the kind of mom who, in our house of seven, was always the last one to eat and sit down. She was the kind of mom who always had time to read our favorite stories over and over, and she read books in a way no one else could. She made them come alive with her energy, humor and animation. She was a servant to us and to so many others. She was the person who told me about Jesus and showed me his love. She was always teaching, helping and loving. She poured out herself for us and still does across states and between 12 grandchildren. She is amazing with babies and children, she has the gift of being able to speak their language. Sometimes I watch her with my kids piled in her lap and I think of how blessed I am to have her. Birthday love for you today mama!

heat wave

When those first rays of morning sun stream through my windows it's enlivening. The deep blue sky and mountain views from my window beckon. It just looks so perfect out there and then we step out our door, babies and gear hanging off of every available limb. Five steps from my door and I feel the beads of sweat rolling down my spine. No relief, even in the morning, even after rain. It feels like a sauna and I feel banished to the water or the air-conditioning by this merciless southern heat. I think I miss NJ, just a little. All complaining aside we've had a good summer and here are a few glimpses of trying to stay cool. I feel cooler just looking at them.

just blue

this photo by Nathan Bosic








Sorry for the blue overload people, but I am just drunk with love for blue. My photo library is bursting with it. It's moonlight, water, the sky, the eyes of my family, my mom, it's calming but dramatic. How fitting to begin and end this color week with my two favorites. If you drop by, let me know your favorite, or favorite of this series. This week of celebrating color has made me more vividly aware of every hue and shade of the rainbow. I can't help but feel like I left out some great ones like turquoise and purple and gray. Oh well, maybe I'll do those later. But for now enjoy the colors around you... drink in the beauty.