just because

happy birthday jen!

To an awesome sister, Auntie and friend, we love you. Tonight we celebrate.

daydreams

I used to love sitting in the narrow aisles of McKay's flipping through random photography books. There's something about the musty smell of a used bookstore that's exhilarating. You never know what treasures you might stumble upon mixed in with the Kodak how to books from the seventies and the strange pictures of eighties models in all their blue eye shadow glory.
Pictures tell a story, give us a window into history and of course, are worth a thousand words. They somehow have the power to bring home those universal chords of humanity that bind us. And sometimes they just look pretty hanging on your wall. One of my favorite photography books was given to me a while back, The Family of Man created by Edward Steichen. Juden really likes looking at pictures. I watched his little fingers turn the pages this morning as he sat in my lap and the images made me daydream. Here's a couple of favorite's to brighten this drizzly Tuesday morn.

many happy returns

Many happy returns of the day to the baby of the Riley clan who today turns 24! He use to come home with frogs in his pockets and bloodied knees he couldn't remember how he got. He was an imp looking for mischief but he had a sweet heart. Even then he was always looking out for other people. He has a gift for helping people, and he makes just about any kind of person feel comfortable in his presence. He's a man with deep convictions but a gentle playfulness that makes all our little ones cling to him. He's still got that incredible smile that could brighten the darkest of moods. I'm proud that he's my brother and blessed that he is one of my very best friends.

seaside

A little while back I was lamenting what seemed like an endless stretch of busyness, it seemed like every minute was filled with something. I missed times of solitude, time with God and time with Josh. I thought to myself, the Brits have the right idea, stopping everyday for afternoon tea, alotting time in the work year for holidays, just having a slower paced lifestyle. I don't like being busy. I want to be someone who always has time to take walks, to listen when people need to talk, to play with my kids, to be quiet before God, to reflect. I want to learn to just BE. Anyway, we just had the huge blessing of spending Josh's Spring break at the beach. There was no agenda, other than just being together, it was awesome. We played and swam and stood where the waves rush back into the ocean until our feet were buried in the sand. We laid in bed and watched the sunrise over the ocean. I love the beach. The coconut smell of suntan lotion and salt water made me feel like I was five. My folks used to take us to Ocean city in the summer. My brothers and sisters and I would jump waves and build drippy castles till our skin was pink and our eyes burned from the salt water. Then we'd change and stroll the boardwalk full of stores that sold t-shirts that said things like, 'I'm not bald it's a solar panel for a sex-machine.' There was cotton candy and ferris wheels and all manner of carnival charms to tantalize a child's eyes. I would drag behind staring through the cracks in the boardwalk as the tide came in and foamed on the sand beneath. It was so fun watching my kids play in the sand and showing my new baby girl the ocean for the very first time and dipping her tiny toes in it. Swinging my sand-covered kids in the waves to rinse them off definitely beats being the sand-covered kid.

many moods of ella

Nana, this one is just for you. Sending some photo love to you this morning from the wee one who's been pointing to her favorite book and wandering around with a puzzled look saying "Nana?"

tiny treasures

This picture slipped out of a bookcase when I was cleaning yesterday and made me smile. It is me and my sister Amy in high school. We use to cat around together a lot in those days. She was boisterous, adventurous always laughing yet full of depth. She was kind of a tomboy and maybe a little bit of a rebel too. She never minded the little sister tagging along or at least she never made me feel that way. It made me stop a minute as I looked down at my flip flops and spit-up stained T-shirt how far away I felt from that snapshot now. It is awesome to have sisters to go from being girls, to women , to wives, to moms by each others side, to stop and think of how we've grown since then. Amy is calmer now and more reserved and has definitely left behind any remnants of the tomboy. She brightens my life on a regular basis. She's creative and has a knack for adding little touches of beauty to things. We are giving our newest sister, Aimee Riley a baby shower tomorrow (3:00 for anyone interested). And, well I just can't resist showing off these beautiful shower favors Amy put together. Amy is thoughtful and meticulous when she makes something. I think these are just delightful.

naya's first two weeks

Naya today

The past two weeks have been characterized by healing, extreme sleepiness, moments of chaos and moments of peace. Juden and Ella seem to be adjusting well and are either indifferent to her or delighted with her and wanting to pet her. In the fog of days that meld with wakeful nights I am falling more deeply in love with this little girl by the day.

Naya 3 days

A good run...

Though it might seem almost sacreligious in light of the marvelous news of our new baby Naya, I (Josh) have big news for my friends and family.

After approximately 8.3 years toiling away with Infradig, I am pulling the plug. Those of you that have witnessed what this band has been to me for the past few years know that I have made huge sacrifices to push forward the dream of my music. To be blunt, it has been my life. Linda, Juden, and Ella have, in some way or another, felt the burden of my vision and calling for years. I want to be as clear as I can be about how profoundly difficult this decision has been. I have prayed over what I should do for months, and I do feel confident that God has lead me to this point of submission.

That being said, I still wonder why in the world God has been directing me in the direction of music for the the past half of my life. It has always seemed overwhelmingly clear to me that I was on the path that he had set for me. In some ways, I now look back at 19 years of work and ask, "What was this for?" In the most obvious ways I am always able to articulate to myself the merit of my efforts (for better or worse, I'm a pretty good rhetoritician) . The correct answers are always the quickest, right?

What I'm getting at, is that when your mission in life is suspended, it tends to leave a void. It is virtually impossible to convey the absurdity of calling to Infradig. Countless nights left wanting within the bunk of our '84 Sunland Express on the outskirts of some city...always hoping and dreaming of the next show or festival and its promise...Intoxicated prophets singing your praises and predicting the next specific steps to your acquisition of greatness. Though the release of such promise and hope is liberating it simulatneously tends to deflate.

We aren't stopping cold...in fact there is much left to be done, some of which I hope you people will be a part of. There is more info on our websites: www.infradig.net, www.myspace.com/infradigmusic.

the new one

1Timothy 6:11-"But you, O man of God flee these things and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, gentleness."

Naya Faith Green showed up on Thursday evening February 15. She was 8 pounds and 1 ounce and 21 and 1/4 inches long. I love all her silkly black hair, my other two were bald. The name Naya has a couple of different meanings , the one that drew us to it is gentleness. We like that it sounds soft and simple but posseses the deep meaning of the fruits of the Spirit. Gentleness and Faith, two things we hope to instill in our daughter.

After finding out she was posterior I spent the week contorting my pregnant body into strange positions, doing lots of pelvic rocking and seeing a chiropractor to try to get her to turn. It resulted in a lot of sleepless nights and by Wednesday night had settled into a constant deep back pain. When I went to my midwife she had shifted a little bit. I had pshyced myself up hoping that the third time around I would be able to do this thing naturally. But first child or third contractions are just as intense and in the throws of transition with Naya trying to turn I got an epidural. It was emotional and dissapointing giving in but ultimately the most important thing isn't how you have her but just that you have this precious gift. I could have kissed the anesthesiologist afterwards. And praise the Lord, Naya turned all the way. I was able to focus now and Josh actually got to deliver her part of the way and place her on my chest. In that moment all noise and activity seemed to become still and quiet and I looked in her tiny eyes and knew my life would never be quite the same.

Naya Faith Green

ramblings

Here is our future snow-boarding champ. Actually thanks to Mimi and Granddad, Ella just got her new pair of Ponseti foot abduction braces. They maintain the correction of her club foot. She may need them for a couple more years, but she only has to wear them when she sleeps. She handles it really well, especially since now that she runs and climbs. They make her resort to a crawl although she has sure tried walking in them. In other news our family has been in a sickness funk. Josh had a fever for the better part of a week then I got a horrible stomach flu followed by both of the kids. At nine months pregnant it was a pretty rough time. I am so thankful for family and community (and you know who you are) who just stepped up with childcare and all the creature comforts chicken soup, Gatorade, jello, movies. It is so nice to be taken care of without even asking.

I was a little sad when I returned from my appointment with my midwife today because the girl is still in a posterior position which from what I can tell means I could either be in for a very difficult back labor or a c-section. I have been between 4.5 and 5 cm dilated and 80% effaced so I am really praying she turns. If you remember please pray for this, and if any of you mamas have any advice for getting her to turn let me know.

Needless to say between barfing kids and men working in our house and just sheer exhaustion I barely remembered that I turned 29 today. This evening as I sit I am so overwhelmed. As the day went on, cards and flowers and other little tokens poured in making the day very special and encouraging. Josh and I could not really go out as Juden is still recovering but it felt like a little in home date as Susan Green cooked us an exquisite meal and I even had a homemade birthday cake from Jen with candles and all. Thanks to all who poured out love on me, it could not have come at a better time.

juden blaze is 3!

The name Juden is a variation of Judah which means praise. We chose Blaze because when he was inside of me with hands on my belly I prayed for him. One of the things I prayed the most was that God would enblazen His spirit on Juden's heart and that he would grow into a man of passion for God. So today we praise God for Juden Blaze and the little guy he is becoming. He has Josh's deep brown eyes and my light hair. It is quite amazing to watch this little person who is such a mix of both of us and yet totally his own person. He is affectionate , curious, hilarious and stubborn and everyday a source of great joy.

late pregnancy blues

It's been a little while so I thought it was time for a quick update. I am about one month from the estimated due date, and can I just say I can not wait to see this baby. I can't wait to hold her in my arms and not my belly. I can definitely testify to the wonders and mysteries of pregnancy. After all how incredible is it to bond with your baby as you feel it wriggle and nudge you just below your heart. But let's face it pregnancy does not come without it's share of unpleasantries. Lately the baby girl has felt more like a kick boxer competing for her territory against my ribs and internal organs. I've been daydreaming about how nice it will be to be able to roll over in bed without feeling like I have a couple of bowling balls strapped to my stomach, to be able to hug Josh without one of us leaning over my belly. Heck, just to sit on the porch with a Mike's hard lemonade(I admit I like the girly drinks). And I can't say I'll miss feeling like a house on legs while everyone I walk by stares straight at my belly, or the routine nightcap of fruity flavored tums. I get braxton hicks contractions whenever I walk and have already started dilating and just found out that my midwife, whom I love, is off duty the week I'm due. By the way, I'm trying to get my hands on some pregnancy yoga dvds to help ease aches so if anyone has one I can borrow for the next month let me know. I know Jen does but I'm not sure when I'll see her next. Needless to say I've got a touch of the late pregnancy blues; I'll stop with the complaints.
I actually just cannot wait to see my new baby girl. I've also been overwhelmed with how blessed I am. We are all healthy and I have an awesome partner who steps up to the plate when my energy is lacking. The bigger I get and the more difficult everyday tasks with the kids become, the more thankful I am for Josh. When I feel spent and useless I watch how he picks up the slack and takes over for me. All practical stuff aside, he still finds time to listen, to rub my back and constantly keeps me laughing. During these waiting days I'm also really trying to savor times with Ella while she is still my littlest baby girl since I know my time soon will be more divided. I read to her a little longer and hold her a little longer and those moments with her cradled over my huge belly are precious.

close and holy darkness

"Looking through my bedroom window, out into the moonlight and the unending smoke-colored snow, I could see the lights in the windows of all the other houses on our hill and hear the music rising from them up the long, steadily falling night. I turned the gas down, I got into bed. I said some words to the close and holy darkness and then I slept."
- From A Child's Christmas in Wales by Dylan Thomas, which my dad recited to us every year.


Dove-bird and Ella












Christmas has come and gone and we find ourselves on the eve of a new year. I have relished this season of advent and felt so very blessed. I must admit I am hopelessly nostalgic and sappy when it comes to Christmas and I love remembering past traditions and starting our own. We went to a candlelight Christmas Eve service and I couldn't help remembering when I was little. Every Christmas Eve bundled in our Christmas dresses we would go to a huge church in Philadelphia, Tenth Presbyterian, the church where my parents met. One year particularly stands out; I was about 7 or 8. To me the church was magnificent; large stone columns loomed up to the beautifully patterned ceiling, balconies were on each side, and in the front of the church was a massive tree with a lone dove resting in its branches. From the back balcony came the triumphant sounds of horns and a choir; I thought even the angels in heaven could not sound sweeter. At the end we sang silent night and I looked up at my dad whose chin trembled in the candlelight, and I felt God's presence wrapped around me like a blanket.

I feel like a child every year as I delight in all the charms and novelties that surround the season. Ours was a cozy, peaceful Christmas. We spent most of our day at the Gast's house in Wildwood with family and friends. There was feasting and presents. In the afternoon we walked under the gray Christmas sky to see some miniature horses that live down the hill from their house. In the evening we all read portions of the birth story while our littlest ones were in constant motion trying out their new treasures.
It was in those moments of stillness and quietness though that I marveled at the incarnation. With hands on my own swollen belly I feel my unborn child squirming and kicking. So long ago my God was the very substance of these hidden movements to his own mother. "He wrapped himself in human skin for those who want to touch." What was it like for Mary so young and innocent to carry the Son of God? Did she lie awake at night unable to sleep, achy or fearful of the labor? Did she become anxious when labor started on the back of a donkey with her desperate husband unable to find a resting place? And then how did she feel when the only respite was a stable? A smelly, filthy place meant for animals, yet this is where the King of glory came to be among us. When she finally saw his tiny face all else would not have mattered. And so this is what I cling to, My God who loved enough to come in complete humility, who came with a mission to save, who was born and died and resurrected and who will come again to heal all that is broken. In the face of a world so overtaken by violence, injustice, emptiness and loneliness, the yearning for true peace is deepened. How sweet to know the one who brings that peace and to revel in it.

To Scotty James

Happy Birthday to my little brother! I love this boy and am happy to have a day to celebrate him. When we were little I used to boss him around, and he drove me crazy with his sillyness. As we grew so did the bond between us. Often I knew how he was or what he was thinking without him saying anything. He lived with us for a while before he got married. It was lovely to have his presence in our home. Sometimes I miss chatting over tea in the morning and seeing him cycling all over town on his big retro mohawk bike. Sometimes I even miss finding the tea bags of coffee grounds he used to leave around the kitchen. It is pretty nice having him and his wife right around the corner now. Scott is an amazing artist and a carpentar like my dad was. He is a sweet brother and friend and soon will be a great daddy.