october makes me think of you

Once, I kept a secret all to myself for a whole day. I found myself smiling as I went about my tasks and the sky seemed a little more blue than usual. I was in school and working and I didn't see it coming, but some how I think I had been waiting for you all my life. I liked having this secret of the little life inside me but at the same time I was bursting at the seams. I strolled with Josh in the park that evening and walked hand in hand like so many times before. But I was nervous and giddy and his eyes looked at me curiously like he did when he was falling in love, cause this spirit of joy was just oozing from me. Then we sat in the bright summer sun, my head on his shoulder as I scratched a stick across the sand doodling like a fidgety child. First I drew a little stick figure Josh, with his crazy long curls and then a stick figure me, with long straight hair... and then a little bundle in my arms...you. He watched in amusement and then looked at me with puzzled shock. I nodded and the tears were lost in our embrace. The life our our first-born had begun in the soft quiet of my womb, we could not have been happier.
We were typical first time parents. There's something about the first, all the mystery and newness that makes ya a little crazy with excitement. I bought you some itty-bitty cool kicks, I just couldn't resist, and we devoured pregnancy and birthing books, and knew just what piece of fruit you were the size of from week to week. He played guitar for you and I sang to you and talked to you. He rested his head on my swelling belly. We talked and planned and prayed on the hope and promise of you.
Then one day they couldn't find your heart-beat and I gazed at the pictures of you, perfectly formed little head and hands and feet but lying there still inside me. I was heart broken. But you didn't leave this world without leaving your print though brief and small as it was. Those months you were inside me, you brought us such joy and the loss of you has left its scar. Just like the little Egyptian box where I keep your picture and letters there is a space in my heart which forever belongs to you. I am a mother of four though I only know three. October makes me miss you and sometimes I say your name and play your song. No matter how many children I have, you are the first one whose presence took away my breath and who I long to hold someday.

On a cool Autumn mountain-side we said good-bye to you and these were some of the words your daddy spoke.
"I'll never forget the day and the way your mom told me about you. She drew us all in the sand; at this I felt wonder, fear, and anticipation. We have spent these months praying for you and wondering who you would be. It truly breaks our hearts to know that we will never know, at least in this world. While there are many questions, your mom and I know that God is holding you now... We love you with all that is in us, and in the light of God, we look forward to that day when all our answerless questions are realized... the day we see you most beautiful son."

Praise to the One who is victorious even over death, to the one who holds you until we can.

I think it's here...

Fall Song

Another year gone, leaving everywhere
its rich spiced residues: vines, leaves,

the uneaten fruits crumbling damply
in the shadows, unmattering back

from the particular island
of this summer, this NOW, that now is nowhere

except underfoot, moldering
in that black subterranean castle

of unobservable mysteries - roots and sealed seeds
and the wanderings of water. This

I try to remember when time's measure
painfully chafes, for instance when autumn

flares out at the last, boisterous and like us longing
to stay - how everything lives, shifting

from one bright vision to another, forever
in these momentary pastures.

~ Mary Oliver ~

(American Primitive)

The onset of Fall always seems to throw me into a cyclical reflectiveness. I savor the subtle changes, the vibrancy, the moist fragrant scent of leaves returning to soil, the beauty that is present in death. The process inevitably seems synonymous to life and the purging, and stripping, and dying that must take place to bring about renewal and new life. The seasons spur reminders to examine my own heart. So often it is so easy to see what others need to change but hard sometimes to be confronted with our own selfishness, or impatience, or fear.

"To comfort all who that mourn,
To give them beauty for ashes,
The oil of joy for mourning,
The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;
That they may be called trees of righteousness,
The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified."
Isaiah 61:3

Just some eclectic thoughts, and on the lighter side of things, the kids and I have been up to all kinds of Autumnal fun.




I don't know about you, but I love pumpkin flavored things. These chocolate-chip pumpkin bars are delish and even better with hot, spiced chai. You can find the recipe here.


Some things I can't get enough of lately;
1- this chilly Autumn air
2- reason to wear my favorite sweater
3- Juden's love for people and his imagination
4- the sound of Ella's singing ( she's playing the violin in the picture, obviously)


5- these kissable cheeks

31 days of photos

You may have noticed a little more image overload going on around here. My brother-in-law has organized another photo project for this month. Octobers theme is people, so you post a picture a day for 31 days. This was a tad intimidating for me as many of the most interesting shots I see, I would never be bold enough to ask for. I did however photograph a few strangers along the way, but my shyness usually got the better of me. I guess I need one of those big old zoom lenses, especially since some of the best shots are when the subject is unaware of the camera. Thanks Josh for the push to creativity. Here are a few of the folks who have caught my eye so far...

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We're back

I have had so much to write about and so little time to do it lately.
It had been almost two years since I last saw my sister and I thought that was just way too long, so we packed it up and headed to NJ for Fall break. It was so good to be with family and to be home. We packed every minute to make the most of our time there.
We made sure we got to Ocean City, where there is something strangely satisfying about the vast majestic ocean next to the gaudy boardwalk I know so well.
We walked around Philadelphia with all those familiar sights and sounds that I so loved showing the bambinos. Juden's wide-eyed enthusiasm for things is so delightful to see. He wandered through Chinatown singing this James Figurine song called All the way to China, quite happy to be discovering"China".
When the sounds of a musician echoed through Reading Terminal , Juden made sure to run up and put in his request for Jesus Loves me.

Have I mentioned lately, how in love with this little boy I am?




We tried on some rock star glasses on South Street and showed them the "pirate" ships at Penns Landing.

We visited a pumpkin farm and ate apple cider doughnuts...


but the best thing was seeing people that we missed so much.




It was a full, wonderful, chaotic week made even better by Nana of course who seems to cast her spell on all the grandchildren. Juden announced on our way home that he would count the coins in his money jar and buy a house for Nana, right near our house and then paint it pink for her, "cause Nana is a girl so she will like a pink house," and then he can see her everyday.
As we drove back I sat with feet on the dashboard watching those little rainbows of light on the tips of my eyelashes as the setting sun beat down on me listening to this lovely song. I thought of my sister Heather and all the others that I wish I could take with me. It's hard being far from people you love but I savored my time with them, some I don't know when or if I'll see again. Wouldn't it be nice if you could transplant the people you love in to your own little community?

i love weekends

I really do. I can't get enough of my family and love just a little more time to be together. We started this one by going camping. The weather was perfect and the kids have been begging to go. No need to twist my arm; I love the little escape from the distractions of home. I want to nurture in my kids a connectedness to the earth, but Ella seems to need less urging. That girl is so happy with a pile of dirt its ridiculous. We weren't there ten minutes before she was literally rolling around in it and covered from head to toe. Juden on the other hand, comes in from getting dirty and immediately wants to wash his hands. We sang songs and roasted marshmallows and they loved it. We put them in the tent and listened to them chatter and laugh until one by one they went quiet. I knew going into it, that it would be a restless night, but that was okay. Kind of like when they were itty-bitty and would spend all night burrowing their faces around my chest looking for milk, a pleasant sleepiness that you don't mind too much. I thought of that as I lay in a tangled web of limbs with a flailing Ella between us whose arm kept ending up across my face. It was worth it for how much fun they had and to just lay in the stillness of the woods listening to the rhythmic insect songs.

After our little camping excursion we went down to the park to check out Culture Fest. We saw some dancing and drumming and I lusted after brightly colored saris and wished that I lived somewhere that I could where them everyday.

Photo by chinua000 on Flickr -an awesome and inspiring photographer.




We ended our weekend in this bamboo forest with some of my very favorite people. Have I mentioned that I have two sisters and two brothers that are some of my most favorite people in the world? Some time I'll introduce them to ya, since they all deserve their own post. Part of why I want to have a big family is a direct result of growing up with them. Sure there is stuff in every family but we are our own little tribe, stronger together. Here is my baby bro climbing trees.


One last lovely bit of my weekend, a new favorite song that's been kicking around my brain all weekend. It also happens to be one of Juden's favorites, my boy has some good taste. It's "Furr" by Blitzen Trapper and you must give it a listen here. I like songs that tell a story and he does it in a beautiful Dylan-esque voice. They are old friends of Josh's that are making some mighty fine sounds these days. Many moons ago Josh lived in Oregon and played music with the singer. So that's it for my weekend loves. What occupied your time this weekend?

being green baby bums

If you are not a mama who is slightly interested in cloth diapering then you might as well stop reading now.
When I titled this blog, "being green" a few years ago I had in mind the simple everyday life of our family and what it means to just be in the moments. I had no idea how culturally relevant the phrase would become or that I could have panties with the phrase emblazoned across my rear, or any other article of clothing for that matter. Yes, "being green" is definitely very hip at the moment. Though this was not my intention with the name of our blog, I do feel strongly that God has given us dominion of this beautiful earth to protect and preserve. It is important to be mindful of even the small ways that we can do just that.

Okay , down from my soapbox and on to the point of this post. After years of trying different things in diapering and surveying lots of other moms I think I've figured out a few things by trial and error. I thought perhaps I could save some moms some trouble and maybe encourage others to at least consider giving it a try.

They have made some advances in diapering from what our moms used for us. With the current state of our economy, lots of families are looking for ways to save money and make ends meet. Spending less money on disposable diapers is one practical way to save. With the price of food and gas lately decent cloth diapers are a worthy investment. Here are a few that have worked the best for me, the Motherease one-size with wrap, and the bamboo Bum-Genius. I recently got way too excited when I passed Bum Genius cloth diapers in the aisles of Target! Oh, another reason to love that store. After trying several, my favorite diaper is made by a Danish company I found on ebay; they are similar to Motherease but thicker and softer and made from bamboo velour and are worth the nine dollars they cost. You can read about the benefits of bamboo fiber for your babies skin here . The Bum Genius bamboo diapers took forever to dry because of there absorbency but the Danish ones dry easily in the dryer or sun. I use them with the Bummis Super whisper wrap which keeps the wet in but also is breathable. The wraps can be purchased locally at Greenlife or on line.
I use them mostly at home but disposable when we are out since it is a little more of a production and I don't want to give Juden and Ella any extra time to caress the surfaces of public bathrooms. Yes, they are a little more work, but worth it for the benefits, which are:

1 It feels good when the trash bag going to the dumpster, then the land-fill is a little lighter.

2 You end up saving $money$.

3 It is so nice holding a baby with a cushy soft natural bum.

4 They look very cool with pink patent leather boots( at least Naya seems think so.)




Check out this pose, is she a superb diaper model or what? I 'm sure she'll brag about it someday.