brown-eyed girl

Here's a few I snapped of Naya Faith yesterday. This age is so very precious. She is such a little girl, dainty and affectionate. She only says a hand-full of words but she giggles and squeals a lot. She's already taking three or four steps by herself. I'm rather smitten with all of my children but she makes me want to have five more which makes my husband look a little scared. She breaks into a broad smile at every stranger that looks her way. She's a charmer, and a heart-stealer already... oh boy.


Apparently even she can't resist stealing a kiss...

Yann Tiersen

Some friends were over recently and introduced us to this:



Enjoy,I think it is brilliant. It makes me want to throw some clothes in a bag and explore Europe. Oh, the daydreams a song can produce.

seasons

I will warn you now, I'm feeling a tad melancholy. The other day we took down the Christmas tree. Juden had fallen in love with the tree. The night we put it up he was ecstatic and laid on his tummy just staring at it chattering away about how now it was Christmas. I prefer white lights on the tree but we used colored because they always seemed a bit more magical to me as a child. As soon as it got dark Juden would run around turning all the Christmas lights on and all the other lights off yelling,"Look Ella, now it's Christmas!" I thought this was cute at first until I was reading a book or changing a diaper and suddenly the room went dark except for the soft glow of the tree. That was his ritual every night and since we put the tree up the day after Thanksgiving he had grown very attached to it. With this said, you can imagine how tragic it was when we had to take the tree away. I felt like a big meanie as the tears streamed down his face while he watched Josh out the window and pleaded,"Don't take my tree, don't throw it in the trash." I tried to comfort him, telling him that we had to take the tree away because it was dead and that Christmas was a season and we would get another tree next year. I held him in my lap as we sat on the floor by the heaps of brittle pine needles and I felt a little of the emptiness. Christmas and New year is such a painful and lonely time for so many. We do celebrate Christ's Birth but we are also celebrating the hope of what is to come as a result of His birth. Someday He will come and heal all of our wounds, He will wipe away the sin that corrupts and bring peace. But for now, for a little while we are left here with all of our dysfunctional relationships and discord, our sickness and longings, disappointments and brokenness. Our reality of struggle and loneliness juxtaposed with hyper-consumerism and fake overly-sentimental "holiday cheer" tossed at us from every direction can seem quite harsh. That is our current reality, battling our flesh and pains that intermingle with our joys so closely sometimes that it is difficult to decipher which is which. The wells of joy and beauty in my own life have only grown deeper in light of the hard things I've gone through. How amazing to serve a God who knows our aching and despair and can meet us where we are. His joy and peace is inside me but someday... it will be fully realized.

new year

Naya enjoying her first Christmas..
and getting happy on the new year.


We are coming down from the whirlwind. It really has been a wonderful holiday,we've had good times with family and friends. The kids bed times went out the window and there was several days of celebration. It's strange how quickly it all goes by. I guess it is just where I am in life right now. From the moment I wake up it seems that between taking care of three little people I always have this list of things to do that I can never quite catch up on. I didn't feel like I had much of a chance to sit and reflect on the past year. It has been a good year, the highlight of course was having the gift of sweet Naya. Josh's health has improved amazingly and the flare ups of pain have been much less frequent and less severe. Our family life has changed as we've said goodbye to Infradig, and certain related stresses have lifted. Josh has continued working away on our house meanwhile we talk and dream of living communally, having more land for our kids to roam, and growing our own food. This year I will say goodbye to my twenties, a wonderful decade for sure. I really love where I am and am so very thankful that I can stay home with my kids and savor every moment of these fleeting days. This year marks three years since the last time I saw my dad. It has not gotten easier, and I hate thinking about getting further away from the last time I heard him tell me he loved me. However I am thankful for the heightened sense of gratitude his passing has left me with. I look forward to this new year and all it's fresh promise.

The Word became flesh

" Don't try to explain the Incarnation to me. It is further from being explainable than the furthest galaxy. It is love, God's limitless love enfleshing that love into the form of a human being, Jesus, the Christ, fully human and fully divine.
Was there a moment, known only to God, when the galaxies paused in their dance for a fraction of a second, and the Word, who had called it all into being, went with all his love into the womb of a young girl, and the universe started to breathe again, and the ancient harmonies resumed their song, and the angels clapped their hands for joy?
Power. Greater power than we can imagine, abandoned, as the Word knew the powerlessness of the unborn child, still unformed, taking up almost no space in the great ocean of amniotic fluid, unseeing,unhearing, unknowing. Slowly growing, as any human embryo grows, arms and legs and a head, eyes, mouth, nose, slowly swimming into life until the ocean in the womb is no longer large enough, and it is time for birth.
Christ, the Second Person of the Trinity, Christ, the Maker of the universe or perhaps many universes, willingly and lovingly leaving all that power and coming to this poor, sin-filled planet to live with us for a few years to show us what we ought to be and could be. Christ came to us as Jesus of Nazareth, wholly human and wholly divine, to show us what it means to be made in God's image."
~ Madeliene L'Engle~

sparkle

The other night we wandered around down-town to show the kids the window displays and then stopped for cocoa. The kids enjoyed the sparkly fake snow and moving reindeer and it was free. These weeks have been flying by with Christmas parades and parties, crafts and baking and the kids have been in heaven. Sometimes I wish I could bottle their excitement. Last night was the New City Christmas concert which was amazing. James Ward rocked of course, and it was a beautiful time of worship. I am also breathing a little sigh of relief that my solo performance is behind me. The countdown is getting closer. I'm avoiding the commercialism and the mall like the plague and enjoying the magic with my wee ones.

thanks

Autumn is breathing her last; Thanksgiving is long gone and I've gone and let it slip by without voicing my thanks. It hardly seems fitting since most days I sense daily how incredibly much I have to be thankful for. My list really could be endless. Sometimes I have this strange sense that it will all come crashing down. I don't know why but I have always had this keen awareness of the chasm between what I deserve and the life I've been given.

Life is so very rich. Some things that I love are the sky after rain, the smell of wet paint, seeing old people that still hold hands,sipping warm chai, graveyards, road trips, sunflowers, dreams that are so good you try not to wake up so you can know how it ends, discovering beautiful new songs
nightswimming,Wysteria and little hands that bear wilting wildflowers.. I think I'll stop, lest I start sounding like a hallmark card. Those are just a few things that bring a smile. These are my biggest sources of joy on a regular basis...

Advent reading

"Though Advent (literally 'arrival') has been observed for centuries as a time to contemplate Christ's birth, most people today acknowledge it only with a blank look. For the vast majority of us December flies by in a flurry of activities, and what is called 'the holiday season' turns out to be the most stressful time of the year.
It is also a time of contrasting emotions. We are eager,yet frazzled; sentimental, yet indifferent. One minute we glow with the thought of getting together with family and friends;the next we feel utterly lonely... Content with candles and carols and good food, we bask in the warmth of familiar traditions, in reciprocated acts of kindness, and in feelings of general goodwill... How many of us share the longings of the ancient prophets, who awaited the Messiah with such intensity that they foresaw his arrival thousands of years before he was born?
Mother Teresa once noted that the first person to welcome Christ was John the Baptist, who leaped for joy on recognizing him, though both were still in their mothers' wombs. We, in stark contrast, are often so dulled by superficial distractions that we are incapable of hearing any voice within, let alone listening to it. Consequently, the feeling we know as Christmas cheer lacks any real connection to the vital spirit that radiated from the manger. That is the main purpose of this collection: to reforge that link, and to encourage the rediscovery of Advent as a season of inward preparation....Advent marks something momentous: God's coming into our midst."

This is an excerpt from the introduction of a book called "Watch for the Light".
Its daily readings are by various authors, some of which include C.S.Lewis, Thomas Merton, Philip Yancey, Madeleine L'Engle, Henri Nouwen, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Annie Dillard, St. Thomas Aquinas, and Brennan Manning.

Now that December is here, I've been thinking a lot about how easy it is to lose sight of what all the celebration is about. There really is so much that can distract. Obviously, to some it is all about the stuff, the presents, the lights, the parties and the fuzzy feelings that surround the season. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love everything about Christmas. At our house the music starts in November and without fail, every year I feel a surge of child-like delight when the lights come out and the tree goes up. Bring on the mistletoe, pretty paper, and gift-giving, the parties and the carols. I revel in all of it, I can't get enough of the charm of this season. But all of that is just a way to celebrate and enjoy the good gifts our Father has lavished on us. I adore watching how magical these first Christmas' are to my children but have also gotten a taste of the difficulty of the season in missing loved ones lost. During this time of year my heart is just so full.

With each year that passes I have an increasing sense of the absolute holiness of this season of Advent. It is a time to fast, to reflect, to examine and purge from our hearts the darkness that is there. It is a time to triumph in the babe in the manger, our God who put on flesh and became like us so that he could dwell among us and obliterate the void that lay between us. It is a time to be mindful that our Messiah will come again.

I wanted to share this book because it has been a blessing to me, water to a thirsty soul. Last year I read it by myself
but this year I'm reading it with Josh. In the dark we sit, all distractions aside, with only a candle to light the page. It is becoming my favorite time of the day.

where I am

Sometimes I miss being in a real city. I miss the vendors, the subways, the bustle,the shops, the museums, street musicians, the smorgasbord of scents as you walk down the street, the parks, and seeing every kind of person.

Sometimes I pine away for the country. I dream about the wide open sky,and the safety of the thick woods, the solitude, the soft hum of cicadas at night, the smell of dew in the morning, and absolute quiet.

...and then there are times like now when I am really happy being right where I am.








lovely chatty-town

Eva

As a quick add on to Josh's post on Joel, check out these pics of Juden putting the moves on their daughter. Her name is Evangeline Linda,(my little name sake, it still makes me teary.)

What do ya think?

It's funny when you have kids people always like to figure out which parent they look the most like. Most everyone says they look just like Josh. These shots are of Josh and I as wee ones. So what's your vote?

trick or treat

Here is our little brood in costume. Halloween is definitely not my favorite holiday but it's nice to see the neighborhood come alive, and what better excuse to play dress-up and eat sweets with friends.

soft

"There is a certain age at which a child looks at you in all earnestness and delivers a long, pleased speech in all the true inflections of spoken English, but with with not one recognizable syllable."
~Annie Dillard~

moving on

once his tiny hands collected treasure there.
his little feet trampled through the creek and the forrest.
it's where he grew up,
part of the canvas he was painted on.
it's the home he took this new jersey girl to one cold november night.
it's where we passed one stop light and saw some livestock chained to a tree in someones yard, i'd never seen that before.
it's where i thought to myself, "it's official i'm getting in thick with a southern boy."
it's where we took a moon-lit walk on the train tracks and ended up a stones throw from a bull the size of a shed.
it was the place of bartmitzvah's and bobbing for spam.
it was the place of many gatherings and bon-fires.
it is a place of peace where the wide open sky shines with stars unhindered by the city lights.
it's a place of refuge and comfort and fellowship.
it's a place where on a sunny day i married him in the clearing in the woods.
it's a place you don't fully appreciate until it's slipping away.

Autumn...

I've been craving her around these parts but she's been shy about making her presence known this year. I've caught a few glimpses though, If I look hard enough. Wasn't it just yesterday that I was nestled in a tree and the days were long and my agenda was nothing but redecorating my tree house and collecting leaves? Naya is getting mighty cozy in her carrier and the kids legs are weary from trudging around mountain trails. The smell of dead leaves and fire and the crisp morning air is filling my cup, and I can't get enough.



"When despair for the world grows in me, and I wake in the night at the least sound, in fear of what my life and my children's life may be-I go and lie down where the wood drake rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds. And I come into the peace of wild things who do not tax their lives with forethought or grief. I come into the presence of still water. And I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting with their light. For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free."
~Wendell Berry~

worry

Most of the time I'm fairly laid-back and trusting but every once in awhile I give way to worrying ...I confess I worry about a lot of things. When did this happen? Did I get it from my mom? She is a professional, blood pressure-through the-roof kind of worrier. Does it just come with the territory of being a mom? It's not all the time, and not an obsessive thing, but when I think about certain things, there's no denying it. I worry about vaccinating my kids and all the preservative-filled foods lining the shelves of the grocery store. I worry that if I'm talking to someone at church Juden will be standing on the communion table when I turn around (it actually happened!). I worry that I'll never fit into my 'before kids' jeans again. I worry about money. I worry about how to wisely and lovingly discipline my kids; am I too tough on my kids or too soft? I worry about how to educate them. I worry about how to raise thoughtful, creative people in a culture that seems to breed apathy and materialism. I worry about how to combat the lies my girls will be fed by our culture about the importance of appearance and their worth, and how to raise my son into a man of honor. I worry that my shyness will be misconstrued as disinterest. I worry about not having enough time for ministry because, honestly there are days I have trouble meeting all the needs of my three babies and keeping some kind of order in my house. I worry about something bad happening to my kids. I worry about the fact that every paternal family member including my dad died of cancer. I worry about pollution and air quality. I worry about the political climate. I worry that I'm not using the gifts God gave me to full potential. I worry that I'm so wrapped up in myself and my family that I won't see that person who is lonely or hurting. I worry about recurring sin in my heart that keeps getting the better of me.

When these thoughts creep in like a summer afternoon thunder storm it's hard to keep them at bay. And so I remind myself that my God is a God of power and grace. This fear that wants to overwhelm is not of him. Thankfully it seems to take the simplest and most humble of encounters to make these worries vanish before they can even set in. Funny how I haven't changed that much from when I was little. If I was anxious or upset I would go somewhere, where I could see the sky, hide among trees or immerse myself in the quiet reflection of water. I would always return comforted somehow by the how tiny I felt, and thus how trivial my worries felt in relation to the vast world around me. Now that I can't steal away and solitude is a rare commodity; my children are often a very good remedy for melancholy. Anxiety dissipates at the sound of Juden praying,thanking God for all his favorite people followed by all his favorite foods. Or Juden's ostentatious displays as he belts out songs in a ridiculous vibrato voice, or the way my kids bust into a ballistic dancing frenzy whenever we put on Stevie Wonder's Superstition. And honestly it's hard to think about anything else at the sight of Naya Faith's smile...the simplicity of the heart of a child. Just like that, I'm thrust back into the here and now, and for today, we have life and each other and it's all far to precious to waste with worrying.

I think back to the last time I heard my dad recite the "Do not worry" passage. I had heard him read it several times over my lifetime, but none so poignant as the last. I think he was touched as much by is deep truth as its poetry. It was shortly after his collapse. After a night of wine and celebration in preparation for my brother's wedding the following day, my perfectly healthy dad fell, and in an instant, lost the use of the left side of his body. We later found out it was a cancerous brain tumor and that he had months to live (although that didn't sink in until much later). A few weeks later I wheeled my frail father into a worship service where he worshipped with every ounce of the strength he had left and he recited part of this passage.

"So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field which today is and tomorrow is cast into the fire, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not worry saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?'or 'What shall we wear?' For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For Your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about it's own things. Sufficient for the day is it's own trouble."
~Matthew 6:25-34~

naya photo shoot...

because I can't resist the cuteness. I love how she smells and plays with my lips while she nurses. I love her faces and how she belly laughs. There is nothing more peaceful than the sight of her sweet face asleep in my arms. Who could have ever thought that something so tiny and helpless could bring so much joy.