The end of infradig...from my perspective

Some months ago I noticed a certain pensiveness in Josh's demeanor. I couldn't put my finger on it. I asked a couple of times but didn't want to press the issue. And then one night he told me, "I think I'm gonna pull the plug on infradig." I was shocked and almost immediately felt a lump in my throat.

I met Josh when I was 18 years old and came to see that rhythm and creativity and music flowed through him like blood through his veins. Music is a part of him just as much as his eyes are deep brown. In college I would do pottery in the downstairs of the art barn while the sounds of his band wafted through the upstairs windows where they practiced. I remember the first time I heard him play. His energy and intensity was amazing. Enough to make me weak in the knees, and not too much later I was their biggest fan, at every show, selling their merchandise, watching crowds be mesmerized by their music, and then helping pack up all Josh's one hundred and one drums, shakers, tambourines, pool hoses and all other manner of percussive devices. I spent more nights than I could count in bars till 3 or 4 in the morning with just enough energy left to shower so I wouldn't have to crawl into bed smelling like an ash-tray. I even got DUI'ed after a show once without drinking a single drop of alcohol, but that's another story.

We eventually moved to Atlanta for a year to try out the music scene there. Then one summer after the birth of Juden we took to the road in two old RV's. One for our little family and the other for the rest of the band. The guys in the band looked out for me and kind of became like brothers which is a good thing since we occasionally had to share a hotel room and a small RV when ours broke down. I was hesitant at first to agree to it with a four month old baby, but it turned out to be a most grand adventure. It seemed to be a perfect age to take a baby since it was pretty comfortable in our little home on wheels and there were plenty of stops for nursing and playing. I could go on and on about this summer but here are a few highlights:

1- Climbing to the tippy top of of a snow covered mountain in Colorado.(okay, almost, I had to turn back to take shelter with Juden because of an impending thunderstorm.)

2-Visiting a place called the City museum in St.Lois. This is quite possibly one of the coolest places I've ever been complete with a skate park for running on, mosaics, tunnels and secret passages you literally could get lost in, and an old-school almost eery carnival section with a tiny little movie theatre. It's kind of like a bunch of kids and artists got together and let their imaginations run wild and take shape.

3- Crashing Dave (bass player) Kauffman's family reunion at Kono Christian school in Iowa. It was like a little respite for me. I felt a tad shy since I am not a Kauffman/Belz but they welcomed us without hesitation. It was an honor to get to be a part of celebrating God's goodness and faithfulness to such a wonderful family. We sang and played music and I enjoyed showing off Juden to all the adoring grandmas and aunties. I'd never been to Iowa before, and man, those big open skies and the sun setting over the corn fields...breath-taking.

4- Meeting Marvin, a short, pudgy little old gentleman who snatched up our vagabond family off the side of the road after our RV gave out on us. He then gave us dinner and insisted on buying us a hotel room so we would not have to bake all night in the 101-degree Topeka, Kansas heat.

5- Sleeping at the Durham, NC house of a certain club owner who's house was a tripped out sight to behold. Mannequin's and superheroes dangled from the trees in the yard. There were animal printed shag carpets and hot pink striped walls and the constant white noise of the movie screen on the wall that was always left on. Every stinkin square inch of the place was covered in religious icon artwork and vintage toys, sparkly jewels and trinkets.

6- Then of course, Boulder, New Orleans (before disaster struck), New York, and Philly. I guess I'll stop here.






Anyway, back to the music. Music has always been important to me but I was completely ignorant to the whole realm of drum and bass, electronica, hip-hop,funk and what-not. I gotta say, he won me over. Josh expanded my musical horizons and introduced me to the awesome sounds of Mum, Catpower, DJ Shadow and Rjd2. It even took me a while to fully appreciate the intricate compositions, skill, emotion and energy of infradig.
The journey of the past 8 years was not always easy especially when children started arriving. Between practices, promoting and networking, traveling and shows it often felt like Josh had a second full-time job. Just to keep it real,let me just say it took it's toll on me and on our marriage. I always wanted to support him, but when the trials of being on the road reared their ugly head I often did not do a good job, and then just prayed for grace. I got tired of trying to defend my husband's pursuit's to Christians who didn't see the value of artistic musical endeavors without a soap-box evangelical element. The subjectivity of whether or not they were going to "make it" in the music world and lots of words and prayers later led to the decision of ending the band. I must admit that part of me worries that Josh won't feel fulfilled without such intense involvement in something so deeply a part of him, but I am confident that God will open new doors. As we near the end of this awesome chapter in our lives I just don't want him to leave with feelings of defeat. I have watched him pour himself wholeheartedly into this for years and really am so incredibly proud of his dedication ,creativity and of the artistry and soul of the music that was made. For what it's worth,these are my thoughts on the matter and if you made it this far, congrats. It's been on my mind cause life feels so different. We are on the brink of summer and there are no festivals or new cities on the calendar. Our days are filled with finger paints and play dough, baby pools and popsicles. I look forward to the journey ahead. We worship, we work, we play... and it is good

When the kids sleep in

So there is this lovely phenomenon that happened yesterday morning and as I recall it occurred last summer as well. I laid there watching the morning sun come through our red curtains and cast it's glow on my contented baby girl. And then I laid there some more. I noticed that without the alarm clock going off at 6:15 followed by Josh's careful steps over our creaky old wood floors, our light sleeping children did not come bounding out of there rooms demanding sippy cups and Sesame Street. The late setting summer sun and extra evening play time probably helped too. For some reason I am incapable of sleeping in so I stealthily crept out of bed greeted only by unusual quietness, the beautiful orchids from my husband on my kitchen table and the neighbors cat sleeping outside my window. I will gladly sacrifice sleep for a glimpse of solitude. As the morning went on and still my loves slept, I read, sipped my tea, sliced fruit, made pancakes, sang my heart out with Ella Fitzgerald, and felt incredibly happy. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of moments when lost shoes and unfinished laundry, iron-willed children and endless diapers makes me want to lay down and cry but this was not one of the moments. This was about moments like the other day when Juden said,"It's a pretty day!" pause, puzzled stare,"See the clouds moving. See the birdies,I want to ride'em." And moments like Ella's monkey-grip hugs when I first get her up in the morning. My kids were asleep and all was right with the world. As I pondered away with thoughts that were not drowned out with potty needs and hungry tummies I thought of all the things I had once dreamed of doing. I used to dream I'd be an artist or a singer. I thought I'd travel, teach English overseas, be a missionary, change the world, help convert masses. I thought maybe I would end up being an advocate for children through adoption or foster care. I thought about all the things I felt passionate about... they are all still there somewhere in the recesses of my 24/7 mama world. My heart still grows heavy with longing when these issues come up. Maybe and hopefully I'll get to realize some of those dreams, but for that moment in the quiet of my kitchen I basked in complete happiness at the here and now and living a dream just not the one I expected.

eight years

Eight years ago today we stood in a field and vowed to belong to each other. We were total opposites in a lot of ways. I think that makes things hard sometimes but it has also helped us to soften each other's edges. I knew when I married Joshua Caleb Green that my life would not be short on laughter and adventure and it definitely has not been. So today I reflect on where we've been, the sweetness, the trials, the oceans we've seen, the cities we've walked,the people we've loved, the babies we've made and I thank God for this man whom I love with all of my heart.

lately

Naya is now three months old. She is the sweetest most laid back baby ever. She started sleeping through the night on her own at 8 weeks. She loves having her velvety little head rubbed. Nothing quite prepares you for the first time they smile back at you, amazing.




The smell of dirt and sunshine is making us look forward to summer.


Bathing suit season is kind of scary except when it's this cute.



Since Naya has been on the scene Ella has developed a feisty side.Lately they have been doing this puppy wrestling thing. I always feel like I should intervene but it is so funny to watch especially when Ella is the champion.

May 18, 1935-November 8, 2004

Now as I was young and easy under the apple boughs
about the lilting house and happy as the grass was green,
The night above the dingle starry,
Time let me hail and climb
Golden in the heydays of his eyes,
And honoured among wagons I was prince of the apple towns
And once below a time I lordly had the trees and leaves
Trail with daisies and barley
Down the rivers of the windfall light.

And I was green and carefree, famous among the barns
About the happy yard and singing as the farm was home,
In the sun that is young once only,
Time let me play and be
Golden in the mercy of his means,
And green and golden I was huntsman and herdsman, the calves
Sang to my horn, the foxes on the hills barked clear and cold,
and the sabbath rang slowly
In the pebbles of the holy streams...

...Nothing I cared in the lamb white days, that time would take me
Up to the swallow thronged loft by the shadow of my hand,
In the moon that is always rising,
Nor that riding to sleep
I should hear him fly with the high fields
And wake to the farm forever fled from the childless land.
Oh as I was young and easy in the mercy of his means,
Time held me green and dying
Though I sang in my chains like the sea.

part of Fern Hill by Dylan Thomas,
because today instead of celebrating or writing a card I'm remembering.

to the birthday girl

If every family has a drama queen Heather is ours. She is the big sister who got me my very first shimmery pink lip gloss and mascara and showed me how to use them. There are seven years between us, so growing up we were always at pretty different stages, but I always loved my beautiful big sister. She seemed to always have to learn things the hard way which is probably why her compassion and understanding of people runs so deep. She is a wonderful listener and encourager. She's a mother to (soon to be) five children.
She's the only Riley sibling that still resides in New Jersey so we miss her lots. So cheers to you sweet sister.

just because

happy birthday jen!

To an awesome sister, Auntie and friend, we love you. Tonight we celebrate.

daydreams

I used to love sitting in the narrow aisles of McKay's flipping through random photography books. There's something about the musty smell of a used bookstore that's exhilarating. You never know what treasures you might stumble upon mixed in with the Kodak how to books from the seventies and the strange pictures of eighties models in all their blue eye shadow glory.
Pictures tell a story, give us a window into history and of course, are worth a thousand words. They somehow have the power to bring home those universal chords of humanity that bind us. And sometimes they just look pretty hanging on your wall. One of my favorite photography books was given to me a while back, The Family of Man created by Edward Steichen. Juden really likes looking at pictures. I watched his little fingers turn the pages this morning as he sat in my lap and the images made me daydream. Here's a couple of favorite's to brighten this drizzly Tuesday morn.

many happy returns

Many happy returns of the day to the baby of the Riley clan who today turns 24! He use to come home with frogs in his pockets and bloodied knees he couldn't remember how he got. He was an imp looking for mischief but he had a sweet heart. Even then he was always looking out for other people. He has a gift for helping people, and he makes just about any kind of person feel comfortable in his presence. He's a man with deep convictions but a gentle playfulness that makes all our little ones cling to him. He's still got that incredible smile that could brighten the darkest of moods. I'm proud that he's my brother and blessed that he is one of my very best friends.

seaside

A little while back I was lamenting what seemed like an endless stretch of busyness, it seemed like every minute was filled with something. I missed times of solitude, time with God and time with Josh. I thought to myself, the Brits have the right idea, stopping everyday for afternoon tea, alotting time in the work year for holidays, just having a slower paced lifestyle. I don't like being busy. I want to be someone who always has time to take walks, to listen when people need to talk, to play with my kids, to be quiet before God, to reflect. I want to learn to just BE. Anyway, we just had the huge blessing of spending Josh's Spring break at the beach. There was no agenda, other than just being together, it was awesome. We played and swam and stood where the waves rush back into the ocean until our feet were buried in the sand. We laid in bed and watched the sunrise over the ocean. I love the beach. The coconut smell of suntan lotion and salt water made me feel like I was five. My folks used to take us to Ocean city in the summer. My brothers and sisters and I would jump waves and build drippy castles till our skin was pink and our eyes burned from the salt water. Then we'd change and stroll the boardwalk full of stores that sold t-shirts that said things like, 'I'm not bald it's a solar panel for a sex-machine.' There was cotton candy and ferris wheels and all manner of carnival charms to tantalize a child's eyes. I would drag behind staring through the cracks in the boardwalk as the tide came in and foamed on the sand beneath. It was so fun watching my kids play in the sand and showing my new baby girl the ocean for the very first time and dipping her tiny toes in it. Swinging my sand-covered kids in the waves to rinse them off definitely beats being the sand-covered kid.

many moods of ella

Nana, this one is just for you. Sending some photo love to you this morning from the wee one who's been pointing to her favorite book and wandering around with a puzzled look saying "Nana?"

tiny treasures

This picture slipped out of a bookcase when I was cleaning yesterday and made me smile. It is me and my sister Amy in high school. We use to cat around together a lot in those days. She was boisterous, adventurous always laughing yet full of depth. She was kind of a tomboy and maybe a little bit of a rebel too. She never minded the little sister tagging along or at least she never made me feel that way. It made me stop a minute as I looked down at my flip flops and spit-up stained T-shirt how far away I felt from that snapshot now. It is awesome to have sisters to go from being girls, to women , to wives, to moms by each others side, to stop and think of how we've grown since then. Amy is calmer now and more reserved and has definitely left behind any remnants of the tomboy. She brightens my life on a regular basis. She's creative and has a knack for adding little touches of beauty to things. We are giving our newest sister, Aimee Riley a baby shower tomorrow (3:00 for anyone interested). And, well I just can't resist showing off these beautiful shower favors Amy put together. Amy is thoughtful and meticulous when she makes something. I think these are just delightful.

naya's first two weeks

Naya today

The past two weeks have been characterized by healing, extreme sleepiness, moments of chaos and moments of peace. Juden and Ella seem to be adjusting well and are either indifferent to her or delighted with her and wanting to pet her. In the fog of days that meld with wakeful nights I am falling more deeply in love with this little girl by the day.

Naya 3 days

A good run...

Though it might seem almost sacreligious in light of the marvelous news of our new baby Naya, I (Josh) have big news for my friends and family.

After approximately 8.3 years toiling away with Infradig, I am pulling the plug. Those of you that have witnessed what this band has been to me for the past few years know that I have made huge sacrifices to push forward the dream of my music. To be blunt, it has been my life. Linda, Juden, and Ella have, in some way or another, felt the burden of my vision and calling for years. I want to be as clear as I can be about how profoundly difficult this decision has been. I have prayed over what I should do for months, and I do feel confident that God has lead me to this point of submission.

That being said, I still wonder why in the world God has been directing me in the direction of music for the the past half of my life. It has always seemed overwhelmingly clear to me that I was on the path that he had set for me. In some ways, I now look back at 19 years of work and ask, "What was this for?" In the most obvious ways I am always able to articulate to myself the merit of my efforts (for better or worse, I'm a pretty good rhetoritician) . The correct answers are always the quickest, right?

What I'm getting at, is that when your mission in life is suspended, it tends to leave a void. It is virtually impossible to convey the absurdity of calling to Infradig. Countless nights left wanting within the bunk of our '84 Sunland Express on the outskirts of some city...always hoping and dreaming of the next show or festival and its promise...Intoxicated prophets singing your praises and predicting the next specific steps to your acquisition of greatness. Though the release of such promise and hope is liberating it simulatneously tends to deflate.

We aren't stopping cold...in fact there is much left to be done, some of which I hope you people will be a part of. There is more info on our websites: www.infradig.net, www.myspace.com/infradigmusic.

the new one

1Timothy 6:11-"But you, O man of God flee these things and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, gentleness."

Naya Faith Green showed up on Thursday evening February 15. She was 8 pounds and 1 ounce and 21 and 1/4 inches long. I love all her silkly black hair, my other two were bald. The name Naya has a couple of different meanings , the one that drew us to it is gentleness. We like that it sounds soft and simple but posseses the deep meaning of the fruits of the Spirit. Gentleness and Faith, two things we hope to instill in our daughter.

After finding out she was posterior I spent the week contorting my pregnant body into strange positions, doing lots of pelvic rocking and seeing a chiropractor to try to get her to turn. It resulted in a lot of sleepless nights and by Wednesday night had settled into a constant deep back pain. When I went to my midwife she had shifted a little bit. I had pshyced myself up hoping that the third time around I would be able to do this thing naturally. But first child or third contractions are just as intense and in the throws of transition with Naya trying to turn I got an epidural. It was emotional and dissapointing giving in but ultimately the most important thing isn't how you have her but just that you have this precious gift. I could have kissed the anesthesiologist afterwards. And praise the Lord, Naya turned all the way. I was able to focus now and Josh actually got to deliver her part of the way and place her on my chest. In that moment all noise and activity seemed to become still and quiet and I looked in her tiny eyes and knew my life would never be quite the same.

Naya Faith Green